I'm No Expert

No, I'm no expert by any means, in fact I'm downright amateurish when it comes to dog sledding and skijouring.
Amateurish in comparison of some raging lunatic musher friends that I have had since first becoming addicted to this sport about 5 years ago.

No matter though, the only way to learn is by 'doing' hands on... mistake after mistake of learning the right way of doing things.

In my 5 years of being involved I have;

• cracked a cheek bone leaning over an overly excited sled dog while hooking up
• dislocated a thumb falling while skijouring
• tipped many a sled on many a corner
• lost a team after tipping a sled on a corner
• fallen and have been dragged by a team of 6 extremely hyped up dogs
• broken up 2 dog fights
• lost various items off my sled
• frozen the tips of my toes on my right foot
• been so tired after a full day of sledding I've fallen asleep sitting up
• I'm sure there are more 'things' to add here BUT they are hazy because......

In my 5 years of being involved I have;

• made many, many good friends in this 'world' of dog sledding
• experienced the unconditional love of many a dog
• ridden many miles on a sled
• experienced the solitude of riding for long periods of time on a sled at night (there is nothing like it... an amazing feeling)
• Had coyotes sneak looks from a distance, then sing to us as we passed
• witnessed a full moon play with the snow crystals making them dance as we silently swooshed past with only the sound of padding dog feet and the jingle of the harnesses
• had icicles hang from my eye lashes (it was a cool feeling actually)
• Learned how to hang on to a sled when it falls
• Learned how to avoid tipping a sled on corners
• learned not to lean over excited jumping dogs
• learned that although I will always fall skijouring my dogs will always wait for me to get back up

I am an amature... but we all are when it comes to learning to read our dogs..... and the changing weather... and new trails......
I think that is what makes it an exciting sport... that and being allowed into the world of my dogs, catching their excitement in the hook up and their love of the run.

My New Years Resolution

I am having a hard time believing that in just 2 sleeps it will be New Years Eve.

Another year has passed me by... taking me that one step closer to another year older.
I am one of those who will have a very hard time when that 50th birthday arrives.

No, no, not this year but sooner than later and I wish it was later. 
I am not looking forward to growing old.  Not mentally, you just have to know me to realize that I will be a kid at heart for as long as I'm alive... it is my aging body that scares me.

I love dog sledding... more than anything I've ever done.
And I'm looking forward to skijouring more this coming January.... however as my body ages how much longer will I have to enjoy doing my new found love?

Resolutions are something I've never taken part in as they are always broken.  This year though I was thinking of actually trying one out.  (I wonder, is that like trying on a new pair of shoes?) ... like eating healthier and staying fit to keep my body from turning on me and getting old and achy and unable to handle the dogs and the physical aspect of the sport.

Alright then... how does this sound for a New Years resolution?

I resolve that in the year 2011 to eat vegetables and fruit and to take the dogs for a walk.

*looks at resolution above*

yeah that works... no sense in setting myself up for disappointment in something that I might not do... 2010 was fraught with disappointments... I plan to stay away from them this coming year.

Moving On

Christmas to me is all about being together as a family and following certain traditions.

This year was no exception.... both my kids were home wrapping me in a cloak of happiness and contentment, filling the hole in my heart, A condition to the heart that all mothers develop when their children are born. This space is filled with pride most of the time, but it also is where worry and the feeling of loss sits when they move on is carried.

Christmas traditions that are carried out each year took place, which included our annual trip to Heritage Park complete with a huge brunch buffet at a favorite eating establishment.  They day was exhausting but full of laughter and new memories to be stored in the recesses of my mind.

Gifts are a huge part of our family... not because we are greedy or stricken with commercialism that is thrown at us from box stores or the bombardment of advertising surrounding our lives this time of year. No it is because this is an opportunity to show others that we are thinking of them.
I love homemade gifts the most... gifts that have thought put into them from the giver.
My family is really good at finding things or creating things with that person in mind, a lot of thought put into how they see them.
That is my favorite part of giving... because it is the reaction of the receiver that makes me feel good inside.

When my kids were little we would take them to a dollar store and set them free.  It was a wonderful gift to me just to see what they would choose for each person, see how they thought of each family member.  And everyone always looked forward to what was carefully wrapped by each child under the tree.

This year I am floundering in an emotion of disappointment.
It at first made me feel so overwhelmingly spoiled.  Until I worked it through in my head while I struggled to fall asleep thinking about it last night.
One family member, an important one in my life of a small family didn't get me anything.

No excuse was given, but I was told I had a choice between two things that we would go out and get after Christmas.
Like I said it isn't about the gifts, but the thought put into it.
In the past this family member has made me little note cards with a promise of a gift (usually a trip) which never actually surfaced, and although that was disappointing the thought that was put into the idea was kind of nice.

I decided laying in bed unable to sleep that I don't want to go out and get a gift picked by me because it isn't about the gift at all.  It never has been about presents ever.  I could go to any store at any time and buy myself whatever I want or need...... .the idea behind gift giving is the love and care taken while thinking of that person.   Which is why I love homemade gifts, knowing I was thought of in a special way with care put into the gift.   Even store bought has put the giver into the position of thinking of the receiver.  thoughts of "what would they like" or "this is perfect for them"

My emotions this year are in turmoil I feel un-cared for by this person yet I feel like a spoiled kid wanting more.
I was very spoiled for sure from my family receiving some lovely gifts.... an e-book that I have never seen before showed that this person knew my love for reading and figured something like this would be perfect... which it most definitely is. (I've already read 1 book)
A little bell for my tree with an angel on it.. very me and it had thought put into it.
A DVD of a new television show.... we love HBO series as we don't have cable and movies are not always something we want to watch all the time.
Gloves for my dog sledding which I so desperately needed and wanted as well as a GC specifically for underclothing for cold weather play.
A GC for scrapbooking as well as a subscription to Canadian Scrapbooker which again is so me
And camera accessories that are perfectly fitting.

It's not like I really needed anything or wanted anything more it was the fact that this person couldn't be bothered to think what I would maybe like... no, not even that... it was that this person didn't think that I was worth the time and effort to go out and look for something I would like.

I just feel hurt.  Even just something small to go into the stocking that I ended up making myself would have been nice, it would have let me know they think of me even if it was standing at a check out stand and they took note of my favorite candy. 
My heart also hurts with a knowledge that perhaps this person doesn't really care about me in the way I am led to believe.  If I am not worth the time to go out and make something for or purchase even something small just this once in the year how am I thought of the rest of the time.
Unimportant in the whole spectrum of the busyness in our lives.

Does this make me spoiled?

I feel spoiled and will try hard to put this all behind me as we make our way to a new year.
It isn't about the gifts, but in how we show our love and appreciation to others that is important.  Maybe the gift giving thing has clouded my view on how this person sees me.  Maybe it is time to put Christmas behind us and just use the holiday time to spend it with those we love without the packages.

Time to move on.... stop feeling sorry for myself.

I HATE Housework

I took today off of work so that I could get my house ready for the holidays.
Lets see, what have I done today?

3, 2, 1 loads of laundry in
2, 1 loads of laundry folded and put away
Bathroom cleaned
Kitchen floor swept and washed
get rid of recycling
vacuum
dust
clean up dinning room
Clean my bedroom... hahahahaha.. like THAT'S ever going to happen.. *chuckles*

Well the bathroom is an important room to have clean... and it could have taken me all day to do.
However the playing on the computer, nap and lunch got in the way of my housework.

Did I mention that I hate housework already?
Well I do.


hmmm it is almost 2:00.... I still have so much to do and I only have about 2 hours to do it in.
Can I do it?

Do I want to do it is the more important question..... you don't want me to answer that.

How Could I Forget??

I was talking yesterday of the adventures of walking a sled dog.... and it sounded all so sweet and fun meeting almost naked men, going for runs in deep snow.

What I failed to mention was what it really is like to walk a sled dog.

Every corner, lump of snow, bush, tree or even shadow is in need to be explored (smelled, peed on) and it has to happen RIGHT NOW, which means getting there as quickly as two dogs can while pulling the weight of me.
And let me tell you that every corner, lump of snow, bush, tree or shadow is never in a complete straight line... nor do both dogs want to get to the same place at the same time.

I have learned quickly how to stay up right while being whipped around in circles.... on ice!

Our dogs could be taught to walk properly I suppose. The potential is there.
It is just that we spend so much time teaching and using the sledding commands that I don't have the time or bother to work on the 'normal' stuff.
Besides we give them the opportunity to pull to work on building their muscles (what I like to tell myself) and my muscles... you should see my legs!

You see when our dogs are put on line/ leash or rope they all of a sudden get this urge to RUN.. it is in their make up of who they are.  And why would I want to dampen that spirit, I just wish I could run as fast as them.  This is most noticeable in colder weather when this need comes out strongest in them.  A big reason why we are trying to organize morning sled runs instead of walks. 
I just wish my life would slow down a little so I could do this.

Walking sled dogs is a challenge... but it is fun.... and if I had a nickle for every time someone says to me.... "I saw you walking your dogs, or should I say  your dogs walking you" ..... I would have pockets heavy with change!

The Adventures of Walking Sled Dogs

Every morning as is ritual the hubby and I gear ourselves up for an early morning walk/run.
We try to leave by 6 as there is generally no one else about other than the odd soul who on their own without reason (dogs) puts on runners and runs for fun (??)

Our gear this time of  year consists of extra pants, usually fleece or these special new fangled ones that are suppose to wick the sweat away from your skin (whatever) and a warm hoodie under our winter coats.
Neck toques, hats and mittens are taken, but I end up ripping these off 1/2 way...even in -40.

Last to be put on and most importantly is the walking/ skijouring belt. This incredible invention is just what it is called, a belt. It locks around your waist or hips, which is where I find it most comfortable, which has attached to the front a clip with a lead or rope that splits into two that attaches to the dogs collars or harnesses.

The dogs get incredibly excited when they see the belts around our waists and begin the greeting of "hurry, hurry, hurry, me first, me first, me first!!!"

The gate opens and out we go... at first being dragged down the driveway until I can find my own footing and tell them 'Easy' which is suppose to slow them down.

Smells abound on our walk, although I personally have never had the joy of experiencing the wonders of whatever my kids come across.  In the winter cold I must say dog poop doesn't really smell at all, (unless it is fresh and warm).
We stop at every corner to pee, smell, scratch the ground and sometimes roll in the deep snow.

There are a couple of sections that I run, however we used to run the entire length of our walk before the snow... but as I keep trying to explain to my pups it is rather hard to do for a human who has limited traction on their people paws... so they enjoy our sections of running to its full extent.. and I must say I'm having a blast too.
I have picked a couple areas with deep snow that we have trekked out to make a trail and give them the sled command "hike" or "hup" or just have to say "lets go" and go they do. The deep snow makes it easy for me to stay upright as I am pulled and follow behind. 
This is the time that hats are usually pulled off as the heat builds up quickly!

The pups and I have had many adventures on our walks from men clad in only underwear running from their car for whatever was most important that they didn't have time to dress first to coyotes in the local park to pet dogs running at us from their homes to cats and bunnies skipping out across our paths.

Today was a lady with 1 little bitty dog and 1 medium sized bull dog who decided that it should challenge my two walking mates.  This bull dog was either crazy strong or the lady had no strength to hold it back.  My guys pulled to get a closer look also although they didn't make any noise but an odd whine or two while this bull dog made it known to the entire town what was going on.
The best part was the reaction of this lady... the language that came spilling out of her mouth would make a trucker blush.   Her panic was almost comical.
I didn't laugh out loud of course because if the table was turned that could just have easily been me.

I doubt she will walk her dogs again at that time in the morning.

Some mornings are a struggle to get moving, but once I'm out there I love my walks as much as the dogs do.
It will almost be a little sad when we finally get ourselves organized to take them sledding instead of walking..... well maybe only a teeny tiny bit sad... sledding is way more fun!

Embrace the Season

Well it came, we all knew it would.
And you can't blame me either.... it woulda come whether I wished for it or not.

November 16th, almost officially winter, seriously there should be no complaining.
And if there is you need to sit back take a deep breath and issue forth your profanities non-stop for 4 months, cause that is how long (at least) it's gonna be here.

The best thing that you, or anyone, can do is to embrace our winters.
We live in Canada after all.. the land of snow, mountains, rolling hills and Rocky shores.... snow being key word here.

Hey!!! YOU!!!... yeah, you... where ya from?  Not Canada?  First word you think of when I say the word Canada.. quick... say it.... no thinking involved.... "SNOW"

So Canadians... go out and play in the snow.. build a snowman... make a snow angel.... ski, toboggan, dog sled, snow mobile, skijour, ice skate, WHATEVER... just play in it and you will find that the season flies by with crazy speed and you actually look forward to that first snow fall of the year.

Trust me... try it.
Way more fun than complaining!

                                              Molly plays in the first snow fall of 2010

Remember

Lest we Forget
I will never forget.

My grandad fought in the war for our freedom.

I think of you everyday grandad... but today the most.

FALL

The promise of winter.
Cold... no, not cold.. crisp air blows dried leaves in a swirling dance. A dance of memories.
Memories of childhood as we threw ourselves into the piles of crunchy sweet smelling beds.

The fall breeze blows my hair across my face blocking the bright fall sunshine from my view.  Sunshine that has a gentleness a different kind of colour ... one that gives the bare trees an almost haunting look.

The wind sounds different as well. blowing through and around the empty branches.  The odd clump of dry leaves scraping each other as they shudder in the breeze.
You can hear the pine trees now - an almost melodic harmony as each wisp of air finds its way through the hallows.
As if the trees themselves are sighing.

The crispness of the air holds hints of summer past bringing fleeting images of warm days laying in green grasses. (or dirt and husky holes in my case)

I take a deep breath.
And I smell winter.
The smell of adventures that await me and my pups.
New trails, new sights.
Frost on the eyelashes snug in my winter coat fur laden hat wrapped around my head - flying across the snow with no sounds but the pattering of puppy paws and the 'shooshing' of the sled across the cold crystals of white.

But for now as I sit in my woolly sweater and face the fall sunshine,  I will enjoy the freshness of the air and the promise of a new season.

Choices

Red or Blue?
Italian or local?
5 foot or 6 foot?

 

The choices I have to make these days are .... fun!!!
However they sure show the direction of my life these days.

Now all I need is snow!!!!!!!  Bring it on!

We'll Just Make our Own Snow!!

Treated the pups to a new dog toy......

Good thing they were cheap.. they lasted all of 5 minutes!!!

    Rocky looking rather pleased with himself after the termination of new toy 

The Right Now Me

So... those that know me well will know that life has thrown some curve balls my way this last little while.

And try as I might I cannot just put into words how I feel or even really 'talk' about what has been going on, not even in my private journals... until today.
I was listening to music while pulling together my new resume when this song hit me... it speaks of me. 

And well... thanks to Jack Johnson here is the me... the right now me.

Upside Down (click here to listen to this great song)

Who's to say

What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away

Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and

Upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away

Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Is this how it's supposed to be
Is this how it's supposed to be

Strings

I have this belief... and yes I know it is an odd one.

We are made up of strings.  Strings that float around us, through us, from us. They entwine around us and each other.
Strings from our souls, our hearts, our heads.
Strings that form braids when mixed with the people and creatures that we love and care about.
Knots form on the strings from those we call family.
Strings like umbilical cords that are wrapped tightly around our hearts and attached to our children, these are strings that unravel easily as our children leave home, yet never come completely undone, caught by that knot.

Lately I was ensnared by a string I didn't see coming.  This string made it's way up my leg and was completely unnoticed until it started tightening around my waist.
This string, lets call it my bad luck string has been a very hard one to break.... I can see the changes in texture of when happenings occurred.

There.. that is when my Jimmy broke down... and that line, see it? That is the trucks transmission... the darkest section is our loss of Oaky.

Well you understand, you can see.

I've tried everything I can think of to shake this string, but sadly it looks as though it will take it's own course as it travels upward.  The more I struggle the tighter its hold is on me.
I just hope I'm ready for the inevitable twist around the neck and head... I will survive.. but until then.......

..... where are those scissors??

What a Life

Imagine being able to run like the wind?
Running up front leading the way, flying along without a care in the world.

Having had many children and they all excel in what you were born and bred to do?

The adventures that were seen, the many different trails that led in so many wonderful places.
The thrill of the race.  The joy that it would bring making you leap and strain to get going 'right now!'

Then as you age you move to a new home with less noise, less craziness yet are still able to play with and boss around 3 young ones as though they were your ow

As you age and your joints get stiff you are allowed to come and lay on the soft cushions that are set out just for you, an extra helping of meat or even better two cookies in one night!

It was a good life.

Two homes with many who cared for and loved you.

Our Oaky... the Oakinator... My pokey Oaky....
The funny way you used to rub your head all over my hair..... the way you hated your head touched, well unless you said it was okay.
You used to love going for walks, smelling everything you could... and pooping while you walked making us humans step in it when we had not realized you were going (I'm pretty sure you did that on purpose!).
You loved to lay in the sun and your face almost seemed to smile in the warmth.

My Oaky... the girl who saved my boy... led him on many wonderful adventures.. some with tangled memories of pups and line all mixed together while they all awaited help.. Oaky so patient just sitting there.
Oaky who led my boy on a few races himself.. .taught him how to mush.  Taught him how to care deeply after she ran away for 2 days, coming back covered in oil.

You will be missed Oaky.

                                                   Oaky July 1996 to October 2010

What I am MOST Thankful for

Being that it is Thanksgiving and all I have been thinking a lot of what I'm thankful for.

The list is endless... from the small and obvious.. like being thankful for my thumbs to the roof over my head and the food in my cupboards.. to my family and friends and good health.

There are not many things I am not thankful for... apart from mice in my house and spiders that have moved indoors for the winter I cannot think of much to not be thankful for.
I am one lucky 'dudette' that is for sure.
Sure I could use money in my bank account... a working car would be nice... new glasses to see better would be a bonus too... but these are all material things that one day I will have... or not... whatever.

In all this thankfulness thinkings I started reflecting on my life and what I've had to be thankful for over the years.
And the memories came flooding back.... my brain, my dreams began reminicing the past.... Faces and names pouring in making me smile and feel sad all at once.
It opened up my endless list of thankfulls and created more to be thankful for that it almost became overwhelming.
So I wondered.. what am I MOST thankful for.  It was hard, but this is what I discovered about me.

1. If it were not for the medical breakthroughs available in our modern world I would not be here today.  Neither would my daughter for that matter.... we would have never made it through the birthing experience... and IF we had then it is most definite my son wouldn't be here today.
I am MOST thankful for the miracles of modern science, the doctors and nurses.  Because of them I am still here and have just spent the last 22 1/2 years in the company of 2 beautiful children.

2. My patience... I am most grateful for this attribute... without it I don't think I could have survived normal family life..... I LOVE my family, but you must admit I grew up in a very eccentric household (who hasn't), the trials of life consumed our family... then I had teenagers... and owned a business made up of teenage staff... I now own 5 dogs... should I go on?  Without patience there are events within my life that would have overwhelmed me.

3.  Creativity... I love the 'difference' that is my family.. how I grew up and how I've raised my own family.   I do not enjoy being like everyone else.  My house screams creativity (my excuse for a messy house), I like that we (my family) want to explore and try new things .... singing Indian Raga's, Dreds in the hair, Wearing lime green suits to Grad, dog sledding as a hobby... shall I go on?

4. Family.... this tops my list of what to be thankful for.... always.... and lately I've become aware of family from all over the world.  I would love to connect and re-connect with them all.  Which brings me to being thankful for Facebook. A source that has made it amazingly easy to connect with family and stay connected....

5. Bringing me to Friends... I am blessed to have so many, from so many areas of my life.  Each and every friend means so much to me.
I have friends from the young age of 15 to 80.
I have friends whom I've known since I was 8 and friends who I've actually never even met, yet talk to almost daily on facebook.
I need to have many friends in my life... it is what makes me who I am.

AND all of this brings me back to #1.

Modern Science.... without it I would not be here to enjoy any of what life has to offer... and for that I am most thankful for.

The Splinter

It's in the base of my 'pointy' finger.

Deep in the flesh, under the skin.... way under the skin.

Red, swollen and throbbing... and big too.  I can feel it when I run my finger over top.
But darned if I can get the thing out... I've dug at it with pins and needles.. and even tried using an exacto knife.
It just won't come out.
So last night the hubby put his moms poultice trick on it... bread soaked in warm water wrapped around my finger to stay on until morning.

Stupid splinter is still in there.... guessing it's Celiac.

Well... my lesson for the day... what I've learned from a splinter.

Splinters do not care if you are black or white, male or female, or what background you have come from.
They will 'stick' by your side through thick or thin.

We could all learn from a splinter.

Ten Things I Learned from My Dogs

I've been thinking lots about my life lately... and how lucky I am.

However due to some 'bad' luck I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself.... so I started to create lists of why I should be thankful.. happy..
Lessons in life to keep me on the straight and narrow so to speak.

I thought I would start sharing them here in my blog.... rather than keeping them locked up in a journal, here they may help others in a 'funk' too.

I am going to start with one that is close to my heart right now.....

Ten Things I Learned from my Dogs

1. Enjoy each meal as though it was cooked by a top chef, enjoying each mouthful even though it is the same day after day.

2. While on the topic of food....Love and I mean LOVE the other treats that come your way, even if it is a dried pigs ear!

3. Forgive and Forget

4. Greet your family and friends as though they are the most important person in your life at that moment

5. Be loyal to family and friends

6. Take time to lay in the sunshine.....everyday!

7. RUN ..... always.... and like the wind... but stop quickly if you see or smell something that catches your interest.

8.  No matter how annoying the train is... sing along with it to make it sound better.

9.  If something smells good... roll in it so that you will smell it all day long... it will keep you happy.

10. Always be happy no matter how hard your day may have been or how nasty that person was to you... smile and move on.

Owning a dog... many dogs... has filled my life with much love, happiness and joy.
But also sorrow as sadly dogs do not live as long as us humans.  This end comes much too quickly and it is so hard to say goodbye.

Just last year we said goodbye to my girl Emily... my sister dog Rosie.... and now time is too quickly approaching for my old girl Oaky and brother dog Barkley.
Even dogs get that big C which makes life so sad and hard..... but no matter how tough it is Oaky smiles through it all loving the cuddling on the couch and that extra cookie each evening.

My Mugs Family

I'm really missing my Mugs family today.

I had a great visit with one of the members last night and woke up this morning sad that I was not joining her in opening the store today.

In fact it is not just my staff that I am missing lots, but the customers as well.

Over the years I built up not just a business, which was doing extremely well by the way.. .my coffee supplier always commenting on how my orders were growing so quickly over time was my one gauge of how well we were doing and how much 'people' loved to stop by visit and have a cuppa... but I built up a friend base as well.
I met some incredible people, made some wonderful contacts and walked away with many many new friends who I will know for many years to come.
I count myself as one lucky person for sure!

Customers and staff.... they were all like my family.... and I am really missing them all today!!

Mugs was all about team work/ a family to me... the staff all worked together to run the store as smoothly as possible, yes, even without a dishwasher!!
With the exception of a few I always felt blessed that the staff felt the store as theirs too, they would bring things from home, fix stuff without asking, do much needed chores without asking,  phone or message me after hours with ideas or reminders to not forget things myself... gives me a warm feeling thinking about it now.
Even my customers... they would fuss over frozen doors... try to help fix broken items.... shovel the front walk... help clear tables... and ALWAYS brought smiles to my face and that of my staff.

Open Mic is another event I miss horribly... it brought the staff AND the customers together with some amazing talent and sometimes not so amazing, but entertaining always. 
I loved the kitchen feel I had at these events, and we even at times carried on our fun at homes of some of my customers who I now proudly call friends!

I love you all.. and miss you very much... lets NOT lose touch!!!

Hello Toronto!

A large tin box with almost 200 people crammed into little seats... all strangers except perhaps the one person you have chosen this torture with.
4 hours of being crammed in next to sweaty, gas prone strangers..... on this particular tour of hell we had the privilege of sharing this space with many spawns one who decided to cry.... no wait.... scream the entire 4 hours.... oh what joy!

We arrive at our destination tired and relieved to be away from that particular set of humanoids.

Toronto.... I always forget what it is like here until I arrive..... people... so many people... everywhere.
It is a people watching heaven!
I was tickled to see a scruffy looking dude in his late 40's perhaps wandering down the street talking to himself... and happier yet when his conversation turned into an all our argument with his imaginary buddy... I couldn't get a clear shot to take his picture... but I wanted too.
And I chickened out when it came to taking the hookers picture who was stationed around the corner from our hotel.

I also forgot the size and amount of office buildings in the downtown core.  You get used to little ole' Calgary and then get here and it is almost overwhelming... like a forest of metal, glass and concrete.
I'm excited to be  here and wish we had at least one more full day to explore the city center... expose the memories from the recess of my brain.  This was after all my stomping ground from a very long ago past.

One memory and experience that I could do without is the humidity.
Our bodies definitely become conditioned to where we live.... and I am having way too hard of a time getting used to the constant feeling of being sticky and wet.
The heaviness of the air making it hard to take a deep breath.... however when that deep breath is taken you are sucking in the smog that surrounds this city, and with the humidity there is tons.

Ah Toronto.... like a long lost friend.... other than a face lift and a tummy tuck to make surface improvements you are still the same girl I left behind all those years ago.
By the way.. thanks for the Blue Jays game last night... too bad they couldn't have won!

Java Joys

So this opportunity arose that I just 'couldn't' say no to..... even though my mother kept asking what was in it for me and that I 'better' get a job out of it.......... a volunteer experience at the  Prairies Regional Barista Competition.

I was given the job of score keeper.
At the time I was thinking I would just be adding up numbers that were handed to me and that would be that.... and I was just handed numbers.
However I would enter these numbers into a program on the computer and then compare my entries with a buddy who was doing the same..... we then recorded the correct totals to a score sheet......

Our position at the Championship gave us the honour of looking like we were in a huge position of authority............ and we kinda were.......... with knowledge!

We were the ONLY ones in the entire building who knew, KNEW, who was in first place or last place.. not even the judges had this information.
It was great.

But what was even better was being able to see the score sheets and read all the comments from the judges.  I felt like I could get up there and compete myself that very moment knowing what they were looking for.
I 'learned' so much.. and from the best top Baristas in our area...

My mother was wondering what was in it for me.... experience, knowledge,connections, and a sense of belonging... that was what I got out of it.
I am going to miss this community of 'coffee' very much... and my time at this Championship had me questioning my motives for selling my business (only briefly).
But I do know I want back in the coffee industry somehow..... not owning my own place, but perhaps working for one.
I would love to either work for Fratello OR a trendy coffee shop that sends it's well trained Barista's to competition and focuses on latte art and extreme coffee knowledge.
There are some incredible high end roasters in this province, Fratello, Transcend, Phil and Sebastian and Kienna coffee, and they were all present at this competition, we are lucky to have this quality available to us Albertans...... Time to go on a province trekk and hunt out the shops that were competing this weekend.

I think for me it will always be about the java... how could it not... it has been who I am for the last 6 years.

So? Are you counting down the Days?

I love being at the store... I love the customers that I see.. I love, LOVE my staff....

I am going to miss all of that.... all of that and more... even the same questions asked over and over and over... So? Are you counting down the days?  Are you excited? Are you happy? Are you looking forward to leaving?

I don't mind being asked the questions... for those who know me, know I LOVE to talk..... but I'm starting to feel rather sad.... no not sad..... a word for sad that is not sad.... is there one?
It is kind of like when my daughter moved out, and then my son when he moved into residence last fall... an empty nest kind of feeling.

I will miss the store... the customers.... the staff..... but I'm so happy that the store has an opportunity to grow with a new owner... fresh new tables.. a fresh new feeling.... I was not able to do that anymore.... too tired, ready to move on.

Yet here I sit with only 4 days left... 4 sleeps.... with a growing feeling of doubt... doubt about whether I did the right thing... doubt about whether this will really happen... doubt about.... well.... that's all.... what if this falls through at the last minute??? 
What will I do?  
Melt into a big puddle of anxiety riddled sticky gooey black liquid that is what.

4 more sleeps

Boobs

To quote a young friend of mine:
Boobs create a very good first impression of someone.

I've now for the past 1/2 hour been thinking of this.  Not that I'm obsessed or anything,  but I now have 'boobs' on my mind.
This quote is so true.  I don't care if your male or female.... boobs are front and center and one of the first things you see....and impressions are what we are all about.... especially first impressions.

Hugemongous boobs...the triple F variety always leave me with a non-human impression... I never remember the person because I spend my whole time thinking "holy shit! Where does she buy her clothes? And how does she ever go bra less? or does she tip over without a bra? etc. etc. Sadly I am not entirely focused on what she is saying.... luckily I've only met a couple women in my life with this sad infliction. But I never get a great first impression of the person... just the boobs... sorry ladies

Spilling out the front of the tank top boobs..... it doesn't matter if they are of the large or small variety... I spend most of my energy keeping my eyes focused on the face while in conversation... finding they are drawn to the mountainous spillage going on below the chin.... I appreciate a nice set of boobs.... but find it unnerving when they are trying to escape from the top of a shirt while we are having a serious conversation.
I always wonder is it because these women have no real personalities that they have to make up for it somewhere.

The off kilter or bad bra boobs.... I hate meeting someone who hasn't the time or bother to make sure their boobs are not behaving symmetrical... like the spilling out the top my eyes are drawn to the one up or one down... thinking to myself.."do you not feel the one boob hanging down to your knees??"
I bet your house is messy, your life is a mess... and you just don't care.

Large man boobs.... yeah... get a bra.  These tend to only be on very very large men.... men whose breathing is hampered by the fat that hangs in the back of their throats.... usually my first impression is only.. .man your fat.
I am too... so I always feel bad for thinking like that.... okay.. I'm not hugely morbidly obese or anything...but still my first impression shouldn't be about weight....my bad.

Itty bitty titty club boobs....and I'm talking non-existent with only the nipple.... I've actually only met one person with this in my life.... and seriously it was only a nipple.... nothing else..... and I felt sorry for this person... i don't even remember if she was pretty... or what her personality was like.... 'cause I was focused on how un-feminine one would feel without any boob... being born without any boob....just a nipple. I wonder if these women feel like they are missing out on something.

However... I dream of owning small boobs.... the grass is always greener syndrome,
It would feel wonderful to never have to wear a bra.... or not worry about a shirt being too tight.. buttons straining.

So... yeah as you can see my morning has been filled with thoughts of boob..... do you think this has to do with not being breast fed as a baby?

Home

I wasn't born in this province, but have lived here for over 22 years.... it is my home.

I do miss trees, and water, and heat.... but those I can travel to find, in fact we only live just over an hour from the majestic Rocky Mountains.

I would miss the prairies.... I can actually hear the groans from my kids... both of whom have moved away or are dreaming of moving away from here.   All I can say is 'one day they will come home to visit with some wonderful memories'

There is nothing like the open plains... wind blowing through the tall grasses and my favorite, the canola.

No sounds but the bristling of the plants as the stalks caress each other in the breeze.... the flies and bees flying by on missions only known to the insect world.

I love being able to see far ahead, the mountains silhouetted in the distance.  It makes me feel free, alive... the world laid out at my feet.  With adventures all around.
And it is all beautiful.

I love my home on the prairies.

Depressed? Unpressed?

I've been absent yes.
Was not sure how to write anymore... IF I should write and what exactly to write about.

Depression... yeah..... I deal with it, I think it is the new fab these days, it seems that everyone is on some form of medication for it.... however I don't like chemicals that are not natural so I tend to stay away from meds.
Instead I deal with things.... and depression is one of those 'things'

I believe that stress helped pull me down into my dark hole....
Whatever it was, there I went.......   
I was swallowed hole by a monster with no face, no name, no mercy.... sucking me down into the deep dark well of mucky dirt.... my senses are lost or limited... I don't hear clearly, or see properly... I don't even feel the hands of those who are trying to pull me out.
It has to me alone who swims and fights to the surface until I can see clearly again.... and what brings me up is unknown... I just wake up one day and I see the light above drawing me out into the fresh air again.

I can only imagine what it must be like to live with someone like me... not easy and I apologize for that.  I also am grateful for those that stand by and wait for me to re-surface.
I'm also extremely honored to be surrounded by some new friends and old re-newed friends who have made  coming out into the open bearable. 

So that's it then.... I can return to my life... begin blogging and journaling once again.. I've missed my daily writing... it's been a long time....
Someone asked me why I don't write when I'm depressed... wouldn't it help?  Well for me I find that a pen in hand releases poison and only negative thoughts come out.. something that is not needed to be seen when I'm already sinking toward the bottom.

And there is so much going on in my life these days... so many new adventures await.... I'm glad to be back to my pen and my keyboard.... I hope you will join me on this new journey.

Where is Nanny 911 when you need her?!?

I ventured out of town last week... and decided to treat myself to lunch.

I was feeling rather melancholic, thinking of my baby girl so far away, needing a quiet break all by myself in a little restaurant... I like to do this from time to time... sit alone at a table, order my food and journal what I see around me... or what I'm feeling... or just rubbish... feeling all poetic and artisan.  Just missing my berets and cigarette and the sidewalk cafe of Paris.

The mood is set, and I'm feeling rather pleased with myself in a strange kind of way.   To the right of me sits a rather scruffy looking overweight couple that seem very much in love with each other.. and I say this partly from my observation of how he leaned forward to wipe the crumbs from her over sized bosom.
A young man in his 20's also sits alone behind this couple... a student on a break from his job?  Just behind him is a couple of ladies.. in their 50's perhaps.. friends? Co-workers? Sisters? Whatever, they seem close as they engage in a very intense private conversation.. no smiles, no laughing.. perhaps someone close is very sick. Maybe one of them is.
There are two other tables full of business men.  The first group are most definitely from an office somewhere near by... perhaps accountants? Maybe financial advisers.. no matter they smell like they deal with money, just not much of their own.. this place isn't meant for those who have money.
The other group of men look like they get their hands dirty for a living... perhaps mechanics.. yet they are dressed rather neatly and do not look out of place here.. maybe they are partners in an ownership of a shop of some kind.  Who knows...

No matter who or where they are from.. they are all engaged in conversations that keep the room at a hushed mumble under the piped in music that resembles a mix of soft '80's rock and country.  Or they are like me, happy in their own thoughts.

That is when IT happened. 
The front door opened and in walked a womb with 3 ... count them, 3... devils spawn.   This womb brought with her a friend to share the joy of a meal... one that she sucked out of everyone in this dining establishment by having these spawn in tow.
The youngest, baby spawn.. a female of perhaps 2 in human years came with a male middle spawn maybe 3 in age followed by another elder spawn male perhaps in the 5th year of his time here on our planet.
These spawn made their announcement to all of us that they were here by rushing through the door with an audible whooshing noise followed by loud exclamations of having to pee and wanting a pop... then racing into the seating area running up to tables and saying hi to various people..

All the while womb is oblivious to the ripple of disruption that flew in with her spawn, in fact she chose to ignore them all through the ordering of food process.
Her friend finally sat the 2 youngest down on a bench seat and told them to wait there for them, leaving the youngest to stand and begin running back and forth on the bench seat, disrupting the serious conversation of the two women friends.... at which point womb looked over... and smiled!!  "Awwe" she was probably thinking, "how cute she is, everyone must think the same thing".
It was when baby spawn got off the bench and started to race around the store yelling that womb finally came over, put the spawn back on the seat and gave it a sugar laden drink that no one in their right mind should ever drink.

The food is finally brought to the table and womb sits down to have baby spawn take off running again... she then grabs 'it' by the arm and hollers to the friend to bring a high chair... which as soon as it is visible sets baby spawn off on a series of loud whines that echo around the room..  escalating to a screech as womb picks baby spawn up and attempts to put the squirming kicking beast into said chair.
The womb then smacks the hand of baby spawn turning the screech into a full out howl.
I then sit dumb struck when she then keeps turning toward the littlest one and starts shushing her angrily.

Gah!!!  This womb is one that should have laid barren for all eternity.
Who let this one give birth to a child that was so innocent and perfect to be molded into a beast such as this by no fault of it's own?

My most enjoyable meal was not to end yet without more interesting events.  While the mouths were full and unable to produce annoying noises patrons slowly trickled out of the room, leaving only myself and one other table full of people.
I almost forgot they were there, or that they were loud to begin with, just a bad memory and was just settling back into my own deep thoughts when baby spawn stood up in her high chair.  Womb completely ignored the fact that her child is not made of super strength rubber that will bounce when it falls and hits concrete floor and did not pay any attention for at least 5 minutes of squirming and jumping.  I had just come to the conclusion that this child really was the spawn of the devil when the womb placed the child of Satan on the floor.
And that is when I knew that the devil had indeed picked a womb of the perfect female body to produce his offspring in a rightly devilish manner.
Womb completely ignored all 3 of the Spawns as they ran around the room at high speed producing machine gun sounds to a game of what could be best described as an Alien 3 video game.
It wasn't until the eldest stood on a table that womb announcing "this is not a playground" told her spawn to sit down and finish their meals. At which point the game escalated into a full out Alien vs Predator game.
Womb then yelled to stop running in the middle of the gossip session she was having with the friend only to not notice that the running did not stop.
I counted to 50, at this point completely dumb struck that this kind of child parent interaction really did exist.. I thought for sure that the Nanny 911 show was a bunch of bull crap and that situations like these never happened and they were all staged for TV... I'm here to tell you they really do... and that the womb or parent if you can call her that was completely oblivious to what she was raising.  Anyhow.. after my count of 50 she yelled once more to stop running at which point eldest said "lets go home"

and they did!  At least she did one thing right.

The Hole in my Heart

Sitting here on a Sunday afternoon... a lazy day for me.

My baby boy has been in and out all day, sitting in the living room with me, upstairs practicing his latest monologue, playing his guitar or outside with his pups.

Just having him in the house has been a wonderful treasure.

As much as I feel so much joy at having him around there is still a hole that fills my heart.  My baby girl is not here.
So far away.
Living her own life.. which she should.
I just wish it wasn't so far away from here.

I miss going for a walk with her, our talks and just having her here at home.

When did it happen?  My two babies growing up into these wonderful adults... both so independent... both needing to explore the world and travel away from home.

I'm so proud of them that they don't have that need to stay close to home (they both know I will be there for them always).  I'm glad that they haven't decided to settle, that they are seeking out their own paths beyond this little town.  I don't think there is anything wrong with this little town, I just think they need to discover the world before settling down here first.  ( they are both adamant they will never end up back in this small town) As much as I'm thrilled and proud.. I still miss my kids very much... and it makes my heart feel empty. No, not empty... more like there is a hole in it.

Life speeds on ahead not waiting for me to even catch my breath as my babies have so quickly grown into young adults.

Excess Baggage

We all carry baggage with us through life.

Depending on your family life and events through childhood some begin carrying it earlier than others.  However as adults we all shoulder a backpack and as a rule of thumb it should never be more than 30% of your body weight... and lifes baggage should be the same.

It would be wonderful if we all could just have small day packs with very little inside... and it should be that way.  From time to time we need to stop and remove some of what's inside... store it away in a memory box, label it lessons learned.

Sadly there are people out there who carry it all... and their backpacks get so heavy weighing down on their shoulders... making life miserable as they burden this weight.
Then there are those who also pull along with them luggage on wheels, one in each hand, and carry ons hanging off of each shoulder. And when those are too full they will strap on to each leg more bags that they drag along with them.  Usually they are carrying others stuff along with their own because they are easily taken advantage of by family and friends who fill up their bags.

Don't get me wrong it is a nice gesture to help shoulder someones weight once in a while.. but you need to learn when to hand it back.

I know some people with this excess baggage and find it difficult to wait for them as they haul their load.  I get tired of hearing about how heavy it is when I know it would be just as easy for them to leave it behind.  They must have many in their lives who have walked on ahead leaving them alone as they slowly trudge through life. 
Those who have been left behind due to these heavy burdens are going to be very lonely when they realize that all they are left with is bags... it is people who keep us happy... fullfilled.... and wanted, not our mistakes or even memories (although good ones are nice to frame and keep hung up where we can see them)
Once your bags are empty there wont be much left in life if you have been left behind.

It's a wonderful feeling to lighten the load.. .I know... I've been doing it alot lately.

Crowded House

It is much too crowded here these days.

I just cannot get a moments peace!

Need and MustDo the twins are driving me insane with their constant whining. No matter how hard I've tried I just cannot seem to get away from them..... they even follow me into the bathroom!!  The worst is that they keep me up at night ~ sigh.

Want has also been nagging at me lately pushing me to do things that Need and MustDo get very upset about, it has become a three way battle and unfortunately the twins seem to be winning leaving Want very sad. After these little tiffs I usually spot Wish sitting in the corner looking rather forlorn, it is a sorry state of affairs as Wish has been ignored an awful lot lately.

But what has made life really really difficult is that the cousin that has come to spend some time with us has really made it very unbalanced these days, especially this weekend. NotRightNow has been a terrible influence over me with his parents Lazy and Procrastination not being any help at all in the matter.

Perhaps with a new week upon us I will be able to find it in my heart to open the door and let GetterDone stop in for a quick tea.

My Life

This is my life.

Un-finished projects surround me, 1/2 painted hallway.. drywall and plaster in more than one room... front door still in the process of being replaced... cracked front window... broken kitchen window.
Papers scattered around the living room, dining room table is now an office for Hubby with important sheets scattered among candles and table decor.
In fact all our tables are covered in 'stuff'... all my rooms in the house are filled with too many things.. in places they do not belong.

After the moisture we have had lately and with the sun now shining, the grass has begun it's season of continuous growth giving our front yard the look of an uncared for lawn.. doesn't help that last years plants now dead in the flower bed are spilling out for all to see.

Walk to the back of the house..... as you go be careful not to trip over the dog boxes that look so out of place now that the snow is gone, empty and waiting for new adventures with our pups... pass the holiday trailer that echos with memories of the the kids when they were younger and campfires with marshmallows were the most exciting part of summer.
Open the gate that has been part of our family over these last 18 years. The gate that is protector of our kids and pups, a gate that opens in welcome to friends and family, a gate that ages as the family does, yet remains strong and faithful after all these years.

Entering our yard most are surprised at how large the space is, considering the many trees that surround our property.  However I think most are also good at hiding their surprise at the many husky holes that cover our space... and the lack of grass that has trouble growing all because of these furry husky feet.
The yard is covered in puppy toys.. but not the kind you would purchase from the local pet store.. our guys don't have anything to do with those... nope.. throw them an empty water bottle or milk jug and, voila! hours of fun.  Old tennis balls are scattered here and there and you can almost follow their trail to the 'food' corner.
No matter how hard I try I cannot make this area look neat... an extra large bin full of dog kibble sits hidden behind a wooden board that is surrounded in old dog dishes (we have 5 dogs and at least 10 dishes.. hmm.. go figure), pooper scoopers lean against the wall as well as assorted shovels and long walking sticks. An old water bucket and a newer water container also sit in wait for feeding time.
The dog kennels themselves are clean and neat (after chores are done and the poop is picked up both morning and night)... we even have an old table umbrella that sits open over Oakies kennel giving the feel of a Mexican fiesta.... all that is missing is patio lanterns!

My life is scattered and un organized... my life is all about spending time with the dogs and the kids.. not inside cleaning and organizing.
My life is all about being free and doing what I love best.
My life is mine.... and although there are many times that I wish I had a 'better' life (more money... more freedom) it is my life.
My life, one that I am the driver for.. one that I am the only one in control of.
So. I plan to live my life the way it was meant to be lived... with love, and joy, and one in which I'm happy.
A good friend once said to me "your the only person responsible for your happiness, no one else can do that for you"
Which means.. that from now on.... I am going to work on being a happier person... living MY life.

Dogs...The perfect friend

My dogs.... I love my dogs, and they love me.

I've decided to surround myself in dogs.
They don't care what you look like, how you dress, if you've brushed your hair or your teeth.
They will listen to whatever you want to talk about and don't make fun of your off key singing.
My dogs couldn't care less if I am successful or what kind of car I drive.

They love me for me and unconditionally.  All they ask for in return is a good run, food in their belly and to be loved right back (a good scratch behind an ear and a cuddle daily).

And no matter what they are there when I need a cuddle myself. They seem to understand when I'm upset and will come sit by my side (unless a bird flies too close or a squirrel runs up to the fence).

The never sit and complain about family or the weather or, well, anything... and when I'm with them the need to do the same leaves me... no matter what the weather they always seem to be happy as long as I'm out there to play with them. 

I love my dogs.... and they love me back.... what more could I ask for?

It's a Beautiful Day

Joy shines from within

There are moments in my life that this inner glow warms my soul.
Visiting with new and old friends, being with my kids, my family.
At work with my staff, cuddling my dogs.

So many moments, so many feelings of happiness.

My internal sunshine makes me smile, even on a dull grey day.  Even on days such as this, one full of memories of a special little friend that passed one year ago today... however I do have the memories and those are wonderful.
I feel very lucky, blessed to have so much that fuels this light.

Hello new day, lets see what you have to offer.

On Becoming a Mom

I became a mother while I was still growing into 'me'
Finding my place in this world, trying to decide what I was to become, who I would be.

My beautiful baby girl changed all that... I became a mom and 3 years later my wonderful boy came along and a mommy two fold I was.
I love... LOVE being a mom.  My kids are everything to me and could not imagine a life without them. 
I would do anything for my kids, go anywhere for my kids.  They are my life.

One thing that came with being a mom is something I did not expect... and that was the losing of the 'me'
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not resentful or angry over this.  I have just been doing lots of thinking as big changes are possibly taking place in my life.

The relationship to the father of my kids changed, and I learned things about him that I would have never known if parenthood never happened.
My relationship with my mom grew stronger as we now share a common interest, one that helped me understand her a little more.

My babies were given to me to hold and love and protect, but nothing.... NOTHING... is given to us forever.  We must let go as the babies leave home and make their own footprints of life.  I as a mom will always be here as they turn to look back from time to time making sure that their mom is still there watching over them from the distance knowing that if they ever had to make that journey back home I would always be here for them.

I stand in the doorway my arms empty but my heart full as I look back on the wonderful memories that we shared as a family.
It is then that I look into the mirror that I notice me... it is a different me from 22 years ago.  The me who had plans of becoming an Art History prof., a me that was going to travel to Mt. Everest., a me just discovering who I was.
That me is still there, hidden behind changing hair color and lines forming in the corners of my eyes... but that me is hidden deep, not sure how to come forward.

In my 22 years I left the me that was budding to start a new me... a mother and housewife (gah I hate that term)...
And now it is time for me to step off the threshold and find 'another' me, not to replace the mother but to add to it.
Time to grow and finally decide what I want to be.

Who has seen the Wind

The wind is blowing, and not just blowing.. it is SCREAMING!!
Throwing tree branches against the windows, shaking my house which in turns shakes my bed.  The house creaks and groans with the forced un-natural movement of wood beams that are over 107 years old.
The house is telling stories from the past tonight, sending shivers up my spine.

I am nervous, almost scared at this hour of 3:30 in the morning as I write this.  Perhaps it is because spirits have been woken in objects that normally stand still and undisturbed. I swear I can hear something pacing downstairs.  Has the wind upset our resident ghost, making him feel restless and anxious too?

Wind gives life to everything.
Wind also carries a voice and in this case many voices all speaking at once all demanding to be heard.
Gentle breezes whisper stories amongst the leaves, fairy tales light and airy.  Those I don't mind.
It is this wind, the gusts that are strong and fierce that frighten me.  Shouting at the world bringing with it angry spirits wanting, no needing, to be heard.
If you don't listen then they will most certainly show you.  Pushing on my windows that rattle, demanding to be open, threatening to open.  It throws anything not tied down around the yard, whips sand and dirt into my face... the wind can be cruel.

In the end no matter how un nerved I am I also feel a sense of awe and wonder at this incredible act of nature.

Am I Wrong?

I have an amazing life.... great family, a roof over my head, many wonderful friends, food in my belly, terrific furry friends and have done some pretty amazing things in my short time here on earth.

So why must I find something so trivial to 'complain' about?

And it seems so small in the scheme of things, yet it is bugging me so very much.... am I wrong to let it get to me, eat at me?

I work too.  I may not be doing the heavy manual labour that the men do, but I also work my ass off come home pretty tired after work.  And lately I've been working overtime trying to pull bad bookkeeping together as fast as I can, which tires me out mentally.
Yet I come home to a messy house and dishes in the sink... okay.... I admit, I'm a terrible housewife (I always have said that I'm not married to my house)... and I leave many messes around too.

So I suppose the messes that are actually bugging me are the two that have recently happened... The first was when I got back from my hiking adventure.. the second last night coming home from 2 days of scrapbooking....
Perhaps I'm being punished for my time off?  Maybe I'm not allowed to take any time off of work?
Both times I have come home to piles of dishes in the sink, no counters wiped.... a 2 day kitchen mess.

Now... this wouldn't be a huge problem for me as I'm quite capable of turning a blind eye, (you just need to see my house),, However both men are out.. one working the other.. who knows... and I suppose I'm the one now responsible for making dinner (which I was actually looking forward to doing today), yet before I can even begin I have to clean up THEIR mess...

So... the question is... am I wrong for complaining?
And am I wrong to ask that the 'men' don't get upset when I say something tonight? Which guaranteed they will both be pissed when I complain about the mess.

Death by pastry

How many Profiteroles can one eat without throwing up or passing out?

Not sure but the boy, the hubby and I are trying hard to find out.

Head in the Sand

Today I came to the realization that I have spent many years with my head in the sand as I spent the morning digging, working my way up and out of this dirt hole... and struck light.

Almost blinding, making it hard to see clearly what was around me.  I felt like I had been woken from a bad dream... and still unable to shake that grasp of the dream ... I could see what was out there, around me, waiting for me when I am ready to leave this hole in the ground.
I'm a little scared to leave the security of the dark pit I just crawled up out of, worried that I may take a wrong step, make a wrong decision... one that affects more than just me.

So for now I will sit at the edge, waiting for the time when I feel secure enough to step out on solid ground.

Bad Influence

Every parents nightmare... that friend who is a bad influence...

We all know the one, that friend that talks your kid into skipping school, smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, drinking...  you know.. that 'bad' kid.

My bad influence has been hanging around a lot lately... and I cannot say no to her... taking time off of work, watching movies, playing with the dogs, playing on the computer, and doing puzzle books.

Gah... I just cannot escape her influence, I'd love to say no, but she has me tight within her grip.

Then comes the dreaded dead line... and I cannot even use her as an excuse, in the end it is all up to me.   I just wish she would fiind someone else to hang out with....
....anyone need a new best friend?   I'm so willing to send her your way... she's cute, lots of fun and will be friends with anyone.

Her name: Procrastination.

Thanks for the Memories

I sit here.... suppose to be doing paper work (sigh, it will never leave will it?)
I sit here... remembering...... the past 6 years.

I've had so many special people enter my life 'because' of these last six years.  I have made friends all from a cup of coffee... special friends.
Good friends who I am hoping to know throughout the rest of my days.

I feel blessed, so much, more than anyone can imagine.  And it brings a lump to my throat... I feel by walking out that door that I will be leaving you all, and I now understand what you all mean when you say "it won't be the same"
Mugs will always be the same, but we will miss each other.
We shall meet at another place, another time, and maybe it will be Mugs for a coffee with me at the table instead of behind the counter or pehaps at my new job, wherever that may be.

For now memories are what we have, Good Times and we will never forget each other... names may be forgotten, but the memories will not.

Music has been an important part of my life, and I am so glad that I was able to share that part of me through Mugs.... and for all of you that have come out to enjoy and give a big part of yourself I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I also hope that you will all continue this great evening of entertainment... as I plan to attend as many as possible.. but from the comfort of the seat as a customer.

I've not only been given the gift of music... but have been given pictures drawn for me from young children, a special bean from a special friend (no not drugs), dog bones to share with my babies, flowers, and plants from your very own gardens, decor that added that special touch, your hard work and sweat when we renovated, your patience while we closed when we renovated, and most importantly, I was given the gift of friendship.

Thank you everyone for the most wonderful six years I could have ever imagined... but it is time for me to leave now....  I wont be far.... promise

Don't get me wrong

4:00 am

Now don't get me wrong it's not that I don't like you, in fact you could be my favorite time of day... IF I could sleep through you.
I am so tired, yet my eyes remain open, my brain alert.

Paper work

Now don't get me wrong it's not that I don't like you...... who am I kidding? I hate you.
I'm looking forward to not having anything to do with you.  Your like that creepy uncle who you have to put up with at family gatherings, you show up drunk and obnoxious putting on some loud show that is hard to ignore.
We all try to pretend your not there, but it's hard to look away too.

Stress

Now don't get me wrong, it's like this..... I wish you would go away!!!!
Does anyone like stress???
I must... why would I keep avoiding the paper work?  Why else do I leave things to the last minute?  I must enjoy these sleepless nights?  This feeling of impending doom that lurks inside my very soul.

Time

You go way too fast when I need you.  Perhaps you don't like me?  I'm not sure what I did to make you not want to hang around... I'm a good person and if you just gave me a chance I know you would stick around.

The Road less Traveled

My future lays out before me, a long road that stretches into the distance.
I try to see beyond that first bend in the road, but just can't make out what is there ahead.

I'm scared, I've been comfortable for so long now that this step forward leaves me feeling short of breath.
But I'm also scared that this move forward will not happen either... so many plans are forming.. a freedom I've not had in many years now... what if it doesn't happen??? 

How odd is that... I'm scared to move ahead, yet scared to stay behind.

It is a road that I've taken once before, when we gave up everything to make that first step.. it was scary then too, yet so exciting.  This time I'm feeling even more fear as there seems to be a fog that covers the road, a mist that makes it too hard to tell if the way is clear or rocky.
But the fear that lingers also tells me that if I stay in one place for too long the road will disappear under the growth of weeds and rubble and I will not find my way again.

So... I take a deep breath... and I place one foot in front of the other....

sserts

I close my eyes and I can actually see what it looks like.

It is a red, thick pulsating cord that twists it's way around my very soul.
Some days it just hangs loose and limp dragging along the ground behind me. It's dead weight reminding me that it is always there.
Other days it tightens itself around my chest up to my throat and around my head blurring my vision from life itself.
Choking me, overwhelming me.

Just out of my grasp is a knife.  It is so far away and looks almost dull... would it be able to cut through the tough fibers of this creature that hangs heavy from my shoulders?

My hope is that one day, one day very soon I will be able to grasp that knife.  Even as dull as it is I know that with every cut I make the tight hold on me will be loosened if only a tiny bit.

And one day... maybe I will cut off, at the very least, the thickest tentacles of this monster that I call stress.

Whats in a number anyway?

46 years 4 days
16805 days
1,451,952,000 seconds
24,199,200 minutes
403,320 hours
1 husband
25 years, 7 months, 27 days
2 children
2 siblings


2 houses owned
16 homes lived in
10 cars owned
8 cars destroyed
9 dogs in my life
5 cats
4 hamsters
1 guinea pig

8 boyfriends
2 high schools
3 college courses
13 jobs
41 air fights (yeah I counted)
4 long train trips
2 hovercraft 
5 drives across Canada
1 surgery
uncountable dental trips
uncountable heart breaks
uncountable feelings of wonder
uncountable feelings of love
uncountable feelings of pride for my kids


What's in a number anyway?

Growing up to Music

I feel lucky in the way I was brought up surrounded by music.
Every gathering at my grandparents included someone on a guitar, piano, singing or just the record player spining out music from my granparents era.
I had the opportunity to play saxaphone in the school band, drums in the town marching band and piano lessons.  I was even in my middle school choir.

Music was a huge part of my life and I can be magically transported to the past by a song.
When I hear Lois Armstrong's Hello Dolly I am in my grandparents basement.  The room is crowded, and the wicker tables are covered in little wooden bowls full of peanuts and 1/2 empty drinks from the bar that my grandfather would proudly bartend.
Another transport to that room, this time full of family and close friends, are the songs Leaving on a Jet Plane and Black Bird.  I see my aunt and uncle performing for everyone.

My whole life can be laid out in music.
The Night Chicago Died takes me back to summers at camp with my mom, brother and baby sister down at Darien Lake.
The Beatles White Album throws me into the living room where I grew up, with my mom and our family dog.
Tie a Yellow Ribbon sends me to my childhood friends living room where her mom would be singing along.
The various camp songs.... Camp Baradaca where I spent many weeks of my summers.
Eagles Hotel California, my first album that I bought myself actually puts me in the kitchen and seeing my parents dancing to the song.
ELO's Telephone Line .... without any details brings the smell of cheap cologne and my first kiss from a guy I have no memory of a name for.
Supertramp School sends me right back to my other best friends living room and even reminds me of my first boy friend... Fred.
Ted Nugent my first huge superstar crush also reminds me of my first 'real' boyfriend and takes me back to that town house across from the mall... basketball at the Y,
My summers as a teenager spent with my aunt in Vancouver are brought to me through Motzart and the Musical Offering, always and forever.
Lunatic Fringe moves me once again to our new home in Drumheller and the parties had there.
Doobie Brothers and April Wine are only a few of those times shared with many good friends.
Phil Colins and Paul Simon will forever mysteriously bring up the smells of England and send my mind on a tour of the old home in Oxford.... but it also is my strongest memory of my grandfather and some wonderful time he and I spent together alone.. it makes me sad as I miss him very much.
Genesis Follow You Follow Me is the song that IS Ray and I.
Peter Gabriel's Mercy Street IS my baby girl.. the only way we could get her to sleep... I smell her as a baby, I feel her, see the apartment she was born in.
Beatles I'm so Tired is Jesse's song as he would laugh as a tiny little baby while I sang that to him at 4 in the morning... could that be the beginning of his sence of humour?
As my kids grew the music became theirs and I share memories with them....

I tried to make sure that the music in our home was varied.  My kids grew up listening to the same stuff I grew up on as well as anything new that came our way... and all types. 
Jazz, Rock, Classical... you name it, we played it.

It never ends... it will always be about music for me, I couldn't imagine a life without it.

I have been lucky in how I was raised and am happy that I could offer the same to my kids... and not just music, but all of the arts.
Growing up in the city of Ontario helped, and moving to Drum helped me realize what is missing in small town life.... so it was important for me to make sure our house had plenty of the arts....

.... but more on that another time.

Spring

I'm sitting outside lap top on my lap (hence the name 'lap top), sun shining down on my shoulders enjoying this wonderful March day. 
If it wasn't for the wind, it would feel like a summers afternoon, well that and the fact that the grass is still brown and the leaves are not yet out on the trees.

Signs that Spring has arrived are all around me.
The little green shoots of grass trying so hard to poke their way above the ground regardless of the relentless pounding of puppy feet.
The buds are out on my trees, and soon they will be throwing their bud covers everywhere making life a sticky yellow mess for my dogs.

The dogs themselves are showing signs of the changing season.  Their winter coats are beginning to blow giving them that scruffy look of un cared for pups.  The girls have all gone into 'heat' meaning that they are more vocal than before, looking for that man to help them out with their genetic need to pro-create.  This will be the last spring for the pups that they will have to suffer through this as we will be getting in a vet visit this summer to change this situation for Penny and Molly will most likely become a mommy this fall.

Then there are the holes.... yes holes.
These are a defining mark for me to show this change in seasons... holes all over my yard.
Husky holes is what I call them.
I'm not sure what the dogs are searching for when they dig, but it must be important as they get a look of intense concentration on their faces.   It baffles me as to what they are eating when they do finally find whatever they 'think' is edible.  I've looked and all I see is dirt.

 Spring this year takes on a new meaning for me as it also means the time my boy comes home until next fall.  However that also means that I'll be able to pass the dog chores back, and that actually leaves me a little sad..... a little.
Well... Spring..... welcome back, good to see you.

I Miss my Kids

Ha ha... I was just listening to a message that we saved of my son when he was 18.
He was told to let me know where he would be, he and his friends were all off to a party, or going from bar to party.
I don't have the heart to erase the message on my phone... so... just in case for some reason it gets deleted, here is the written version.

after a few drinks......

"Hi Mom and Dad, I don't know if you got my text,,, but I'm going to Olds and I may not be back in the morning.

So.. I'm not sure how like if maybe you could take care of the Huskies

And maybe you'll.. I'll amyamy the uh I may be back by tonight.. I don't know , I don't know.. I'm not a Dr. right??

So maybe if I'm not you could look after Rocky, Molly, Oaky and Penny... if I'm not... I love you guys.. I'm in Olds... oh wait.. oh wait... (he starts asking his friends where they are.. bunch of talk and laughing going on in the background) wait I got to find out where we are going.

We are going to Winborn Rd in Olds, but I doubt anything bad will happen

I love you guys.. I'll see you tonight or tomorrow... love you...love you... bye..... this is your son by the way"


I chuckle every time I hear that message, but it makes me so sad now. I miss my kids so much.
Yes even the drunken phone calls at 2 in the morning for a ride home. At least he listened to me and stayed safe.
I even miss the hormonal uprising with the teenage girl in the house.
In general I miss my kids.

I wish Canada wasn't so big.

It's Murder I say

The weekend finally arrived.

A time of renewal for the soul and the mind.

I don't go out and do dog chores as early, waiting for the sun to shine on the darkened earth damp from the melting snow. The dogs are a little impatient at first letting me know with a few tested howls, but they settle down when they too realize it's the weekend and it is a morning of sleeping in and laziness.

Time to curl up on the couch wrapped in my fleecy blanket as we await the arrival of the daylight. Computer on my lap open to the Iditarod web site and that Crackbook site where I can legally stalk all my friends.

I should make coffee.... nope.... I'm not at work, I don't do coffee making outside of the store.

It is dark with the exception of the light coming off of the monitor, blinding me as to what is around the room. Suddenly the quiet overwhelms me, not even the hum of the computer helps this feeling of unease.

Something is out there beyond my false light, something not right.

There to my right just ahead of me is a shadow,,,, did it just move?

Don't be silly, the doors are locked, there is nothing here but my imagination.

No, there IS something there. I should look, if anything to rest my mind.

Slowly I rise from my warm nest turning on the light.

That is when it jumped out and knocked me over, the weight of it's huge body over powering me. I was helpless to get it off, panic setting in as the heaviness began to suffocate me.

Go Away I scream, but my pleas of freedom fall on deaf ears.

If I just lay still maybe it will leave.

Alas, it does not, it just gets heavier the longer we lay here.

The closeness makes me cringe, and I feel tears threatening to spill from my eyes. Why will it not leave me alone?

I am pretty sure that it is whispering in my ear, but I refuse to listen... No! NO!

It is the weekend!! Leave me alone!!

I want to go out tonight, I want to not think of you... how did you find me anyway??

It was with these last words that I finally gave in, watching my weekend die, a slow horrible painful death.

I will get you paper work!! If it is the last thing I do.