Sunday, May 30, 2010

The Hole in my Heart

Sitting here on a Sunday afternoon... a lazy day for me.

My baby boy has been in and out all day, sitting in the living room with me, upstairs practicing his latest monologue, playing his guitar or outside with his pups.
Just having him in the house has been a wonderful treasure.

As much as I feel so much joy at having him around there is still a hole that fills my heart.  My baby girl is not here.
So far away.
Living her own life.. which she should.
I just wish it wasn't so far away from here.
I miss going for a walk with her, our talks and just having her here at home.

When did it happen?  My two babies growing up into these wonderful adults... both so independent... both needing to explore the world and travel away from home.

I'm so proud of them that they don't have that need to stay close to home (they both know I will be there for them always).  I'm glad that they haven't decided to settle, that they are seeking out their own paths beyond this little town.  I don't think there is anything wrong with this little town, I just think they need to discover the world before settling down here first.  ( they are both adamant they will never end up back in this small town) As much as I'm thrilled and proud.. I still miss my kids very much... and it makes my heart feel empty. No, not empty... more like there is a hole in it.

Life speeds on ahead not waiting for me to even catch my breath as my babies have so quickly grown into young adults.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Excess Baggage

We all carry baggage with us through life.

Depending on your family life and events through childhood some begin carrying it earlier than others.  However as adults we all shoulder a backpack and as a rule of thumb it should never be more than 30% of your body weight... and lifes baggage should be the same.

It would be wonderful if we all could just have small day packs with very little inside... and it should be that way.  From time to time we need to stop and remove some of what's inside... store it away in a memory box, label it lessons learned.

Sadly there are people out there who carry it all... and their backpacks get so heavy weighing down on their shoulders... making life miserable as they burden this weight.
Then there are those who also pull along with them luggage on wheels, one in each hand, and carry ons hanging off of each shoulder. And when those are too full they will strap on to each leg more bags that they drag along with them.  Usually they are carrying others stuff along with their own because they are easily taken advantage of by family and friends who fill up their bags.

Don't get me wrong it is a nice gesture to help shoulder someones weight once in a while.. but you need to learn when to hand it back.

I know some people with this excess baggage and find it difficult to wait for them as they haul their load.  I get tired of hearing about how heavy it is when I know it would be just as easy for them to leave it behind.  They must have many in their lives who have walked on ahead leaving them alone as they slowly trudge through life. 
Those who have been left behind due to these heavy burdens are going to be very lonely when they realize that all they are left with is bags... it is people who keep us happy... fullfilled.... and wanted, not our mistakes or even memories (although good ones are nice to frame and keep hung up where we can see them)
Once your bags are empty there wont be much left in life if you have been left behind.

It's a wonderful feeling to lighten the load.. .I know... I've been doing it alot lately.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Crowded House

It is much too crowded here these days.

I just cannot get a moments peace!

Need and MustDo the twins are driving me insane with their constant whining. No matter how hard I've tried I just cannot seem to get away from them..... they even follow me into the bathroom!!  The worst is that they keep me up at night ~ sigh.

Want has also been nagging at me lately pushing me to do things that Need and MustDo get very upset about, it has become a three way battle and unfortunately the twins seem to be winning leaving Want very sad. After these little tiffs I usually spot Wish sitting in the corner looking rather forlorn, it is a sorry state of affairs as Wish has been ignored an awful lot lately.

But what has made life really really difficult is that the cousin that has come to spend some time with us has really made it very unbalanced these days, especially this weekend. NotRightNow has been a terrible influence over me with his parents Lazy and Procrastination not being any help at all in the matter.

Perhaps with a new week upon us I will be able to find it in my heart to open the door and let GetterDone stop in for a quick tea.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

My Life

This is my life.

Un-finished projects surround me, 1/2 painted hallway.. drywall and plaster in more than one room... front door still in the process of being replaced... cracked front window... broken kitchen window.
Papers scattered around the living room, dining room table is now an office for Hubby with important sheets scattered among candles and table decor.
In fact all our tables are covered in 'stuff'... all my rooms in the house are filled with too many things.. in places they do not belong.

After the moisture we have had lately and with the sun now shining, the grass has begun it's season of continuous growth giving our front yard the look of an uncared for lawn.. doesn't help that last years plants now dead in the flower bed are spilling out for all to see.

Walk to the back of the house..... as you go be careful not to trip over the dog boxes that look so out of place now that the snow is gone, empty and waiting for new adventures with our pups... pass the holiday trailer that echos with memories of the the kids when they were younger and campfires with marshmallows were the most exciting part of summer.
Open the gate that has been part of our family over these last 18 years. The gate that is protector of our kids and pups, a gate that opens in welcome to friends and family, a gate that ages as the family does, yet remains strong and faithful after all these years.

Entering our yard most are surprised at how large the space is, considering the many trees that surround our property.  However I think most are also good at hiding their surprise at the many husky holes that cover our space... and the lack of grass that has trouble growing all because of these furry husky feet.
The yard is covered in puppy toys.. but not the kind you would purchase from the local pet store.. our guys don't have anything to do with those... nope.. throw them an empty water bottle or milk jug and, voila! hours of fun.  Old tennis balls are scattered here and there and you can almost follow their trail to the 'food' corner.
No matter how hard I try I cannot make this area look neat... an extra large bin full of dog kibble sits hidden behind a wooden board that is surrounded in old dog dishes (we have 5 dogs and at least 10 dishes.. hmm.. go figure), pooper scoopers lean against the wall as well as assorted shovels and long walking sticks. An old water bucket and a newer water container also sit in wait for feeding time.
The dog kennels themselves are clean and neat (after chores are done and the poop is picked up both morning and night)... we even have an old table umbrella that sits open over Oakies kennel giving the feel of a Mexican fiesta.... all that is missing is patio lanterns!

My life is scattered and un organized... my life is all about spending time with the dogs and the kids.. not inside cleaning and organizing.
My life is all about being free and doing what I love best.
My life is mine.... and although there are many times that I wish I had a 'better' life (more money... more freedom) it is my life.
My life, one that I am the driver for.. one that I am the only one in control of.
So. I plan to live my life the way it was meant to be lived... with love, and joy, and one in which I'm happy.
A good friend once said to me "your the only person responsible for your happiness, no one else can do that for you"
Which means.. that from now on.... I am going to work on being a happier person... living MY life.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Dogs...The perfect friend

My dogs.... I love my dogs, and they love me.

I've decided to surround myself in dogs.
They don't care what you look like, how you dress, if you've brushed your hair or your teeth.
They will listen to whatever you want to talk about and don't make fun of your off key singing.
My dogs couldn't care less if I am successful or what kind of car I drive.

They love me for me and unconditionally.  All they ask for in return is a good run, food in their belly and to be loved right back (a good scratch behind an ear and a cuddle daily).

And no matter what they are there when I need a cuddle myself. They seem to understand when I'm upset and will come sit by my side (unless a bird flies too close or a squirrel runs up to the fence).
The never sit and complain about family or the weather or, well, anything... and when I'm with them the need to do the same leaves me... no matter what the weather they always seem to be happy as long as I'm out there to play with them. 

I love my dogs.... and they love me back.... what more could I ask for?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

It's a Beautiful Day

Joy shines from within

There are moments in my life that this inner glow warms my soul.
Visiting with new and old friends, being with my kids, my family.
At work with my staff, cuddling my dogs.

So many moments, so many feelings of happiness.

My internal sunshine makes me smile, even on a dull grey day.  Even on days such as this, one full of memories of a special little friend that passed one year ago today... however I do have the memories and those are wonderful.
I feel very lucky, blessed to have so much that fuels this light.

Hello new day, lets see what you have to offer.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

On Becoming a Mom

I became a mother while I was still growing into 'me'
Finding my place in this world, trying to decide what I was to become, who I would be.

My beautiful baby girl changed all that... I became a mom and 3 years later my wonderful boy came along and a mommy two fold I was.
I love... LOVE being a mom.  My kids are everything to me and could not imagine a life without them. 
I would do anything for my kids, go anywhere for my kids.  They are my life.

One thing that came with being a mom is something I did not expect... and that was the losing of the 'me'
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not resentful or angry over this.  I have just been doing lots of thinking as big changes are possibly taking place in my life.

The relationship to the father of my kids changed, and I learned things about him that I would have never known if parenthood never happened.
My relationship with my mom grew stronger as we now share a common interest, one that helped me understand her a little more.

My babies were given to me to hold and love and protect, but nothing.... NOTHING... is given to us forever.  We must let go as the babies leave home and make their own footprints of life.  I as a mom will always be here as they turn to look back from time to time making sure that their mom is still there watching over them from the distance knowing that if they ever had to make that journey back home I would always be here for them.

I stand in the doorway my arms empty but my heart full as I look back on the wonderful memories that we shared as a family.
It is then that I look into the mirror that I notice me... it is a different me from 22 years ago.  The me who had plans of becoming an Art History prof., a me that was going to travel to Mt. Everest., a me just discovering who I was.
That me is still there, hidden behind changing hair color and lines forming in the corners of my eyes... but that me is hidden deep, not sure how to come forward.

In my 22 years I left the me that was budding to start a new me... a mother and housewife (gah I hate that term)...
And now it is time for me to step off the threshold and find 'another' me, not to replace the mother but to add to it.
Time to grow and finally decide what I want to be.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Who has seen the Wind

The wind is blowing, and not just blowing.. it is SCREAMING!!
Throwing tree branches against the windows, shaking my house which in turns shakes my bed.  The house creaks and groans with the forced un-natural movement of wood beams that are over 107 years old.
The house is telling stories from the past tonight, sending shivers up my spine.

I am nervous, almost scared at this hour of 3:30 in the morning as I write this.  Perhaps it is because spirits have been woken in objects that normally stand still and undisturbed. I swear I can hear something pacing downstairs.  Has the wind upset our resident ghost, making him feel restless and anxious too?

Wind gives life to everything.
Wind also carries a voice and in this case many voices all speaking at once all demanding to be heard.
Gentle breezes whisper stories amongst the leaves, fairy tales light and airy.  Those I don't mind.
It is this wind, the gusts that are strong and fierce that frighten me.  Shouting at the world bringing with it angry spirits wanting, no needing, to be heard.
If you don't listen then they will most certainly show you.  Pushing on my windows that rattle, demanding to be open, threatening to open.  It throws anything not tied down around the yard, whips sand and dirt into my face... the wind can be cruel.

In the end no matter how un nerved I am I also feel a sense of awe and wonder at this incredible act of nature.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Am I Wrong?

I have an amazing life.... great family, a roof over my head, many wonderful friends, food in my belly, terrific furry friends and have done some pretty amazing things in my short time here on earth.

So why must I find something so trivial to 'complain' about?

And it seems so small in the scheme of things, yet it is bugging me so very much.... am I wrong to let it get to me, eat at me?

I work too.  I may not be doing the heavy manual labour that the men do, but I also work my ass off come home pretty tired after work.  And lately I've been working overtime trying to pull bad bookkeeping together as fast as I can, which tires me out mentally.
Yet I come home to a messy house and dishes in the sink... okay.... I admit, I'm a terrible housewife (I always have said that I'm not married to my house)... and I leave many messes around too.

So I suppose the messes that are actually bugging me are the two that have recently happened... The first was when I got back from my hiking adventure.. the second last night coming home from 2 days of scrapbooking....
Perhaps I'm being punished for my time off?  Maybe I'm not allowed to take any time off of work?
Both times I have come home to piles of dishes in the sink, no counters wiped.... a 2 day kitchen mess.

Now... this wouldn't be a huge problem for me as I'm quite capable of turning a blind eye, (you just need to see my house),, However both men are out.. one working the other.. who knows... and I suppose I'm the one now responsible for making dinner (which I was actually looking forward to doing today), yet before I can even begin I have to clean up THEIR mess...

So... the question is... am I wrong for complaining?
And am I wrong to ask that the 'men' don't get upset when I say something tonight? Which guaranteed they will both be pissed when I complain about the mess.