Saturday, June 5, 2010

Where is Nanny 911 when you need her?!?

I ventured out of town last week... and decided to treat myself to lunch.

I was feeling rather melancholic, thinking of my baby girl so far away, needing a quiet break all by myself in a little restaurant... I like to do this from time to time... sit alone at a table, order my food and journal what I see around me... or what I'm feeling... or just rubbish... feeling all poetic and artisan.  Just missing my berets and cigarette and the sidewalk cafe of Paris.

The mood is set, and I'm feeling rather pleased with myself in a strange kind of way.   To the right of me sits a rather scruffy looking overweight couple that seem very much in love with each other.. and I say this partly from my observation of how he leaned forward to wipe the crumbs from her over sized bosom.
A young man in his 20's also sits alone behind this couple... a student on a break from his job?  Just behind him is a couple of ladies.. in their 50's perhaps.. friends? Co-workers? Sisters? Whatever, they seem close as they engage in a very intense private conversation.. no smiles, no laughing.. perhaps someone close is very sick. Maybe one of them is.
There are two other tables full of business men.  The first group are most definitely from an office somewhere near by... perhaps accountants? Maybe financial advisers.. no matter they smell like they deal with money, just not much of their own.. this place isn't meant for those who have money.
The other group of men look like they get their hands dirty for a living... perhaps mechanics.. yet they are dressed rather neatly and do not look out of place here.. maybe they are partners in an ownership of a shop of some kind.  Who knows...

No matter who or where they are from.. they are all engaged in conversations that keep the room at a hushed mumble under the piped in music that resembles a mix of soft '80's rock and country.  Or they are like me, happy in their own thoughts.

That is when IT happened. 
The front door opened and in walked a womb with 3 ... count them, 3... devils spawn.   This womb brought with her a friend to share the joy of a meal... one that she sucked out of everyone in this dining establishment by having these spawn in tow.
The youngest, baby spawn.. a female of perhaps 2 in human years came with a male middle spawn maybe 3 in age followed by another elder spawn male perhaps in the 5th year of his time here on our planet.
These spawn made their announcement to all of us that they were here by rushing through the door with an audible whooshing noise followed by loud exclamations of having to pee and wanting a pop... then racing into the seating area running up to tables and saying hi to various people..

All the while womb is oblivious to the ripple of disruption that flew in with her spawn, in fact she chose to ignore them all through the ordering of food process.
Her friend finally sat the 2 youngest down on a bench seat and told them to wait there for them, leaving the youngest to stand and begin running back and forth on the bench seat, disrupting the serious conversation of the two women friends.... at which point womb looked over... and smiled!!  "Awwe" she was probably thinking, "how cute she is, everyone must think the same thing".
It was when baby spawn got off the bench and started to race around the store yelling that womb finally came over, put the spawn back on the seat and gave it a sugar laden drink that no one in their right mind should ever drink.

The food is finally brought to the table and womb sits down to have baby spawn take off running again... she then grabs 'it' by the arm and hollers to the friend to bring a high chair... which as soon as it is visible sets baby spawn off on a series of loud whines that echo around the room..  escalating to a screech as womb picks baby spawn up and attempts to put the squirming kicking beast into said chair.
The womb then smacks the hand of baby spawn turning the screech into a full out howl.
I then sit dumb struck when she then keeps turning toward the littlest one and starts shushing her angrily.

Gah!!!  This womb is one that should have laid barren for all eternity.
Who let this one give birth to a child that was so innocent and perfect to be molded into a beast such as this by no fault of it's own?

My most enjoyable meal was not to end yet without more interesting events.  While the mouths were full and unable to produce annoying noises patrons slowly trickled out of the room, leaving only myself and one other table full of people.
I almost forgot they were there, or that they were loud to begin with, just a bad memory and was just settling back into my own deep thoughts when baby spawn stood up in her high chair.  Womb completely ignored the fact that her child is not made of super strength rubber that will bounce when it falls and hits concrete floor and did not pay any attention for at least 5 minutes of squirming and jumping.  I had just come to the conclusion that this child really was the spawn of the devil when the womb placed the child of Satan on the floor.
And that is when I knew that the devil had indeed picked a womb of the perfect female body to produce his offspring in a rightly devilish manner.
Womb completely ignored all 3 of the Spawns as they ran around the room at high speed producing machine gun sounds to a game of what could be best described as an Alien 3 video game.
It wasn't until the eldest stood on a table that womb announcing "this is not a playground" told her spawn to sit down and finish their meals. At which point the game escalated into a full out Alien vs Predator game.
Womb then yelled to stop running in the middle of the gossip session she was having with the friend only to not notice that the running did not stop.
I counted to 50, at this point completely dumb struck that this kind of child parent interaction really did exist.. I thought for sure that the Nanny 911 show was a bunch of bull crap and that situations like these never happened and they were all staged for TV... I'm here to tell you they really do... and that the womb or parent if you can call her that was completely oblivious to what she was raising.  Anyhow.. after my count of 50 she yelled once more to stop running at which point eldest said "lets go home"

and they did!  At least she did one thing right.