Saturday, July 5, 2014

Wherever You Go There you Are

I stole this saying from Jon Kabat-Zinn.  An author who wrote a book with the same title.  A book I have not read, and actually have no idea what it is even about.
Perhaps Jon borrowed this quote from someone else. 
I don't know the origins exactly but I know it pertains to my life RIGHT NOW.

I have spent years, and by years I am talking about from the age of 19, trying to be, wanting to be, and dreaming of, being thinner.
For those who have known me all my life they will know that IF I was indeed thinner at 19, or 23 I would have looked sickly.
I doubt I weighed an ounce over 110 pounds and I am positive I was in a size 5 at that time of my life.

I have never been happy with me... not only did I want to be thinner, but I wanted things to not droop or sag... hair to be curlier... lashes to be thicker.... feet to be smaller.

Seriously did not like the package that I was born with.

(Dear 20 year old self:  ARE YOU KIDDING?)

Here I sit 30 years later and I do believe I have finally accepted me for who I am.

Sure I am a lot bigger than I was at 20.
Saggier in places I didn't know could ever sag and hair that is more grey than brown (although THAT I can control).

It is who I am and although I am still riding on my goal of eating healthier I will not be anyone but me.  
Me today.
It just isn't going to happen so I might as well like me.
Me today.

This thought process did not take years to happen, yet it DID take years, and if I was to be completely honest, felt as if it happened almost over night.

The past many years after having had children I worked at trying hard to get fit, and in the end, thinner.
I have never been more uncomfortable and miserable about what I looked like, always self conscious about what I wore.  No sleeveless shirts or dresses. A bathing suit?  Never!!

Until a couple of weeks ago.

Ray surprised me with a trip for our anniversary coming up (a big one of 30 years) as we head out a week today for Mexico.
Mexico in July is incredibly hot.
Mexico where we will most likely go snorkeling and lay on a beach with drinks in hand.
This all means I have to wear shorts and bathing suits if I want to be comfortable in the heat and fit in with all the other tourists in the resort.

As excited as I was there was also that part of me close to the surface that was cringing and wondering how I would ever get over my self loathing of fat me.

Then one morning while trying on various outfits that would be packed I took a good look at myself in the mirror.
A good long hard look.

You know what I discovered?

That I am probably pretty darn average.

Sure I am not lean and thin... I would love that, but in one weeks time for this trip, aint gonna happen.
Will it ever happen?

I like my food too much and I hate running.
There.  Said it.
I really hate it.
Haven't run in awhile now and I do believe I will be dragging my bike out of hiding because THAT I loved to do as well as hiking, and that is an easy peasy activity to do as well.

In the meantime as I looked at myself in the mirror I decided I liked what I saw.
My hubby is still hanging around, so he must kinda like it too.
What the hell.
Yeah I will always be surrounded by thinner more fit people than me.
But they are not me.

Does this mean I will stop trying to eat healthier and give up any form of exercise?
No, of course not.
I would like to finish up my life healthy.
But I also need to be happy.

I am me.... it is who I am and will always be.
I have another half of my life to live and I might as well like who I have to travel this road with because wherever I go, there I am.