Sunday, December 26, 2010

Moving On

Christmas to me is all about being together as a family and following certain traditions.

This year was no exception.... both my kids were home wrapping me in a cloak of happiness and contentment, filling the hole in my heart, A condition to the heart that all mothers develop when their children are born. This space is filled with pride most of the time, but it also is where worry and the feeling of loss sits when they move on is carried.

Christmas traditions that are carried out each year took place, which included our annual trip to Heritage Park complete with a huge brunch buffet at a favorite eating establishment.  They day was exhausting but full of laughter and new memories to be stored in the recesses of my mind.

Gifts are a huge part of our family... not because we are greedy or stricken with commercialism that is thrown at us from box stores or the bombardment of advertising surrounding our lives this time of year. No it is because this is an opportunity to show others that we are thinking of them.
I love homemade gifts the most... gifts that have thought put into them from the giver.
My family is really good at finding things or creating things with that person in mind, a lot of thought put into how they see them.
That is my favorite part of giving... because it is the reaction of the receiver that makes me feel good inside.

When my kids were little we would take them to a dollar store and set them free.  It was a wonderful gift to me just to see what they would choose for each person, see how they thought of each family member.  And everyone always looked forward to what was carefully wrapped by each child under the tree.

This year I am floundering in an emotion of disappointment.
It at first made me feel so overwhelmingly spoiled.  Until I worked it through in my head while I struggled to fall asleep thinking about it last night.
One family member, an important one in my life of a small family didn't get me anything.

No excuse was given, but I was told I had a choice between two things that we would go out and get after Christmas.
Like I said it isn't about the gifts, but the thought put into it.
In the past this family member has made me little note cards with a promise of a gift (usually a trip) which never actually surfaced, and although that was disappointing the thought that was put into the idea was kind of nice.

I decided laying in bed unable to sleep that I don't want to go out and get a gift picked by me because it isn't about the gift at all.  It never has been about presents ever.  I could go to any store at any time and buy myself whatever I want or need...... .the idea behind gift giving is the love and care taken while thinking of that person.   Which is why I love homemade gifts, knowing I was thought of in a special way with care put into the gift.   Even store bought has put the giver into the position of thinking of the receiver.  thoughts of "what would they like" or "this is perfect for them"

My emotions this year are in turmoil I feel un-cared for by this person yet I feel like a spoiled kid wanting more.
I was very spoiled for sure from my family receiving some lovely gifts.... an e-book that I have never seen before showed that this person knew my love for reading and figured something like this would be perfect... which it most definitely is. (I've already read 1 book)
A little bell for my tree with an angel on it.. very me and it had thought put into it.
A DVD of a new television show.... we love HBO series as we don't have cable and movies are not always something we want to watch all the time.
Gloves for my dog sledding which I so desperately needed and wanted as well as a GC specifically for underclothing for cold weather play.
A GC for scrapbooking as well as a subscription to Canadian Scrapbooker which again is so me
And camera accessories that are perfectly fitting.

It's not like I really needed anything or wanted anything more it was the fact that this person couldn't be bothered to think what I would maybe like... no, not even that... it was that this person didn't think that I was worth the time and effort to go out and look for something I would like.

I just feel hurt.  Even just something small to go into the stocking that I ended up making myself would have been nice, it would have let me know they think of me even if it was standing at a check out stand and they took note of my favorite candy. 
My heart also hurts with a knowledge that perhaps this person doesn't really care about me in the way I am led to believe.  If I am not worth the time to go out and make something for or purchase even something small just this once in the year how am I thought of the rest of the time.
Unimportant in the whole spectrum of the busyness in our lives.

Does this make me spoiled?

I feel spoiled and will try hard to put this all behind me as we make our way to a new year.
It isn't about the gifts, but in how we show our love and appreciation to others that is important.  Maybe the gift giving thing has clouded my view on how this person sees me.  Maybe it is time to put Christmas behind us and just use the holiday time to spend it with those we love without the packages.

Time to move on.... stop feeling sorry for myself.

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