Saturday, June 11, 2011

Of Vice Grips, Breasts and Cucumbers

"Please, just relax.  The more relaxed you are the quicker it can get done"

This was said to me just after I was told to remove everything from the waist up and put a gown on, and then when moved into a small room with a machine that looked like it belonged in Star Wars, I was told to remove the gown completely.

Relax?  Seriously?

"What have you heard about the procedure?"

"Well, something about laying on the garage floor and my father driving over my breasts a couple times.... uh..... that is hurts a bit"

"Doesn't hurt at all... just a little pressure.... so relax"  As she comes toward me with two pieces of tape that hold little iron balls.

"Relax.. it isn't that bad"  I'm told as she takes my breast in her hand and lays it on a table like surface and lowers the plexi glass cover on top and puts pressure on my body part squishing it to look like some obscene pancake made for a young mans Stag.

"Relax.. see it isn't that bad" She says while turning the machine on a strange angle and expecting me to breath easy while she maneuvers me into said position while increasing the pressure to hold 'me' in place.

"You can step back, let me just check the images and see if we're done"

I try to stand there looking relaxed and cool and not at all uncomfortable while bare from the waist up as if this was something I did on a daily basis. 

Cool as a cucumber.

"Awesome, this is great!! There is lots of muscle here.. I don't see this often, excellent!!"

"Really?"  My smile must split my face, I forget that I'm half naked in front of a stranger. 
I've been going to the gym faithfully 3 times a week the last 3 weeks and to hear this sets my resolve to continue going.
I am so going to be in shape for the next race season.... and I will now know that I am perfectly healthy... even though I already know this in my heart.. but I've done my duty for the year (even though it makes me feel old that I 'have' to be doing this now)

I leave feeling pretty darn proud of myself... muscle?  Yes!!

But one question remains.... Cool as a cucumber?  What does that mean really?

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