My Empty Nest is Rather Full

Both my babies have moved away... and far away at that.
My girl is in Nova Scotia and my boy is in Ontario.

It hurts my heart to know they are so far away. 
I miss them so very much.

People always say to me when they find out that both the kids are gone away, "wow, a true empty nester eh?"  
Then they always add.. "your life has changed, you can go away whenever you want, do whatever you want" 

No, no I can't.

We filled our empty nest with furry kids.
Furry needy children that may as well be toddlers.  Naughty toddlers.
I cannot head to the city after work without making sure the 'kids' are going to be taken care of.
Weekends away... impossible.  Without someone staying at the house.. or sending the 'kids' to a dog kennel.. or bringing them all with us.
Even a night out is planned so that evening dog chores are taken care of first.

I have missed events because we have had no one to play and feed the dogs or they have forgotten and we have had to rush home.

However, we wanted the furry kids.. and I don't regret the tie down we are facing.  The love they give back and the joy I experience when I'm with them.. the fun we have every winter on skis and sled all makes up for a lost night out.   As for a weekend away, going to dog sled races is so much fun and the people we meet are amazing... dog people always are.

Yet I have recently discovered one aspect that I am not enjoying.
The ability to be sick in bed.
To be able to stay in bed or on the couch curled up in my fleece blankets and hide away from the world is broken when the late afternoon rolls around.   I then drag myself from my foggy world, pull on as much winter gear as possible to head out with the 'kids' .. I am greeted with love, kisses and hugs which makes up for it a tiny bit... so I have made up my mind... I am just not going to get sick again. 

I have no time for it anyway.   And I really missed being at work with the kids.

Calling in Sick

The room tips to the side leaving me off balance and having to grab hold of the table.

Is it just me or is the air heavy weighing me down making it hard to hold my head up?  I give up and sink into the couch.  However the chair threatens to tip as the room continues to ignore all rules of gravity as it slides precariously to the left...... oh, but now it suddenly changes direction giving the feeling of being in a boat on turbulent waters.

Sea sickness takes hold.  Much energy is used to keep from racing to the bathroom.
I lay down and close my eyes hoping to block out the rocking of my world.
Only this makes it worse.
I sit up straight instead my vision trained on the horizon which at this moment is the living room wall.  Solid and unmoving.  Better.  If only a little.

As I focus on the other side of the room I get a sense of leaving my body. The room is larger I'm sure of it, as well I've sunk lower into the blankets I am sitting on.. heavier?  Floating above me, feeling so far away that even sounds take on a hollow muffled tone.  Yet the sounds have a sharpness to them that cut to very core of me echoing within my head.

 I turn my attention inwards and train my attention to my body which tingles as though there are live wires attached under the skin.  At first this feeling is actually a nice one, almost calming, but the longer I concentrate on the sensation the more it intensifies causing me to break out in a sweat and wishing for it to stop.

I give in to the swaying motion of the room and lay down pulling the blankets up over my head.
Sleep has to cloak me soon, it just has to.

Then tomorrow I will wake up and be a brand new person ready to head to work one of my favorite places to be..... please?

What to do? What to do?

"That's me"

Suppose you could chock it down to that simple two word sentence.

Simple?  Sadly no.

I'm so confused and need some help trying to figure things out.  Perhaps help is just in writing my words down or hearing what others think and sorting my thoughts this way.. or it could be I need a light to go off and a terrific 'ah ha!!' to pounce upon me one morning.
In any case I just have no idea what I should do.

I thought I knew, right up until driving home on my own with only my thoughts running through my head.
A sudden realization hit me, one that has changed what I should or shouldn't do.

I have this most amazing job, one that has left me with the feeling of winning the lottery.  Everything about the job is perfect.
So then why am I looking at leaving in the fall to head out and begin something new?
Yes it would lead me to doing something that would end up being perfect..... or would it?

I would be leaving this wonderful job... and although I could be back (hopefully) to do my practicum, I doubt I would end up working here... and I personally know 2 in this profession that are not doing what they want as there just is no work in this area.
AND I would be 4 years older, which is old to be heading out into a new career.

So now I'm back to square one, where I sat almost 10 years ago... only now I'm 10 years older.

Should I just upgrade?  Get the learning bug out of me this way?  And stay in my perfect job?
or
Should I throw caution to the wind and move on? 

Arrrgggg.... I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm so confuzzled.

Oh Holey Hole

Again I ask.... Whose idea was it to get puppies again???

It may not be big, but either is Elly.... silently she chewed a hole through the carpet and into the flooring underneath.   She is lucky that this is the 'boot room/ laundry room' and not the living room.

Busy creatures they are, always on the go.. never sleeping anymore or so it feels like.

But I love 'em both and cannot wait to run them ... soon!!

"Look Hubba I'm like one of the big kids now!!"

The kids were fitted for harnesses today, *sniff* they are growing up!

My Mushy Life

I have no idea where my emotions come from.
Why one day I can be totally immersed in self pity and depression and the next giddily happy.
So I just shrug my shoulders and carry on.

At this point in my life I am mushily (ooh.. get the sledding jargon thrown in there?) happy.

With all that I deal with in my depression that cloaks me from time to time you would think it would be hard to be so mushy (can you tell it is almost winter?).

Both my kids live so far away... my baby boy wont be home for the holidays... we owe way too much money... my trucks clutch is acting up again... the dog boxes are not ready for winter... money needed for my upcoming venture...my house is messy again...moving Hubby's shop, yes still...dealing with gv't issues...the 'building'... my kids living so far away (oh I said that one already).. sigh, my kids living so far away...

Looking at my list I must say, besides my kids living so far away, there isn't really anything on there that is dreadful enough for depression...  well... okay it would be nice to not be in debt anymore.. but again I shrug my shoulders to a resounding 'meh'

I enjoy being mushily (hehe) happy for a change.... and I blame a few things on this...

Skype
My hubby
My kids
My job
My family (all of you)
Friends (although I haven't seen many of you lately)
My dogs

My future

I'm okay...really I am.... this is my life and it's great!

Puppies!!

Life has changed this last 6 months.
All because of puppies.

Naughty puppies.

Nothing is mine anymore, it belongs to the puppies.
And if they have the opportunity they will make sure that no one can have what it is they claim as theirs by destroying it in record time.

Rigby the 'boy' is strong and fast.  Walking him has become a challenge, especially now that there is ice on the roads.  It is time to suit him up in a harness and run him.
If dogs are able I do believe that he has ADHD.  It is physically impossible for him to sit still, even to be hugged, petted and cuddled.  He loves attention and craves the contact between himself and whatever human is present, but can barely stand still to receive it.
But smart.  This furry kid is at the top of his class.
He knows his commands, and sits when told (especially if food is involved).  Knows how to opens doors, and I believe even unlocked the kennel the other day.
He also loves to play ball with us.  The only dog that has ever brought back a ball and dropped it at our feet so that we could throw it for him to chase, again and again and again.

Elly (Eleanor) a petite little girl who loves to cuddle and snuggle in your lap.   Her face is so small and delicate reminding me of a deer (my hubby says she reminds him of a rat, but he doesn't love her like I do).
She would play ball with her brother except for the fact that she was run into twice by the bigger dogs and has decided that it is no fun anymore.
The cry that came from her with the contact made you would have thought she was on deaths door.
Elly cries wolf often when play time gets too rough for her making me believe that she is in extreme pain and has been seriously wounded.
However it is okay for her to attack the others and inflict pain and suffering on them.  She's such a girl!

I love my puppies and cannot wait to get them out on the trails with their bigger buddies.

Oh the adventures we will have...... bring on the snow!

Looking Ahead

I feel a change coming upon me.

A BIG change at that.

I am so happy right now in the space that I am in.   It is a bright and cheerful place.
No matter which direction I take, or what door I open I am always greeted with a smile.
Happiness and joy fill my heart on a daily basis.

So why have I been drawn to the door at the end of the long LONG hallway that is stretched out before me?
It will eventually lead me back to this happy place, and actually I wont really be leaving my space totally just sort of putting it to the side for the moment.

However there are unknowns behind this door... and lots of hard work to reach the path that leads back to where I know I am meant to be.
LOTS of hard work and way too much money to get there.

So is it just all a dream?

Or is it a dream that I can bring to fruition?

I feel so confused.  I just don't know whether to head down toward this door that has beckoned to me, and not for the first time either, or do I stay here where I am happy already.
Besides I feel so old to be changing things up.