Anger at it's Best

I hate Nicolas Cage.

Okay, hate is a rather strong word for someone I don't even know.  Let me rephrase that.

I hate Nicolas Cage's acting ability.  He is quite emotionless in every movie I have ever seen him in... "I love you" is almost the same as "I hate you"
His facial expressions rarely change.  

Watching a movie trailer I will be thinking, "well this looks like it could be a good waste of 2 hours of my life"..... until I realize it stars Nicolas Cage... then... not so much.

However a friend of mine put this following video up on his blog site and it made me realize that I must be missing something in Mr. Cage.  He really does show anger... however by the end of this clip I was laughing rather uncontrollably.

You still wont find me munching popcorn in front of the screen that stars this 'actor'

Missing Molly

I sit here inside on a beautiful sunny warm spring day.

Inside? Yeah it sucks, I know.  I've started this chore of cleaning up and re-arranging my bedroom and it really needs to be finished today, if possible.  Then there is the dreaded task of paper work that is left over from the days of owning my own business.
I keep putting that chore off by finding other things to do, and let me tell you, scrubbing the dog poop buckets out is way more appealing to me.

So, here I sit, inside.  As you can see I'm not cleaning my room as I need to do.

My thoughts have been with my little girl Molly today.  I really miss her very much, and have been unable to talk about her..... until today.
I think it might help me to feel right about my decision if I put it all down into words.

The decision was made.  It had to be made, for the sanity of the humans and furry kids alike.

Molly and Penny hated each other.  Seriously hated each other, to the point of drawing blood.
The final fight that led to Molly leaving us was a bad one, Penny lost the tip of her ear and Molly was lucky to not lose the muscle on the front of her leg.   And this fight happened while on line racing.
Up until then the only fighting we had was in the yard or if they got too close on the truck.  They seemed to ignore each other while running as a team, until now.

Molly was chosen as the pup to move to our friends kennel as she seemed to have a personality to suit that kind of life.  Besides she isn't a lead dog and Penny is.  Without Penny we didn't have much of a team.

Molly has fit right into life at the W's.  She has made many friends and has a kennel mate named Pierre, a big white Sibe.  She seems happy there, and that makes me happy, but still doesn't fill that hole in my heart that has been left by her leaving.
When a dog passes over that rainbow bridge it is hard and your heart aches for that companion.  When you have to give a healthy young dog up for other reasons it breaks your heart.  It is taking me much longer to get over missing my girl.

I miss her deep howl that she used when playing with her brother.  I miss the huge wide grin she gave when getting her neck scratched.  I miss how she would sit down when you started to pet her - every time.
I just miss her.

However I do not miss the fence fighting between her and her sister.  I do not miss having to walk the dogs separately (Hubby and I can actually walk them together now!). I love the fact that all the dogs hang out together now all at once.  I love the fact that I can open up my back door and they come and go as they please.

I still miss my Molly though... I always will.  At least I can go and see her whenever I want.

It looks like that we will be bringing in a replacement for our little team.  And although no dog will ever replace my Molly, there is no other way to explain why we are bringing in another pup.  A boy (no more girls for me) named Bearcub... Hubbas daddy... a sweet boy who will help lead my dogs and who knows,  between him and Hubba I might actually place in skijouring,,,, maybe making the top 5?  The top 3?

However I still miss my Molly.

Blowing the Dust Off

Today I've given myself the task of cleaning up my bedroom to make room for a new dresser I received as a birthday gift.

The dresser is great.  Nice and big for all my clothes that at the moment sit in baskets on the floor or in the closet.  I haven't had a 'working' dresser for years. It is going to be such a treat.
However we live in a very small, very old house with very tiny rooms.... and it turns out that the way the room is set up there is no where to put this great dresser.

I have to turn the bed, but under the bed is years of collected things.  Most of them have ended up in the garbage (why do we hang on to stuff?)

It has taken me hours to go through all of these things.  Only because I like to look through it all. 

The best find so far has been a box of all my old journals.
And I'm talking journals that go back to 1983!! 
The journals of the birth of my kids are there.
Their first days of school, in fact their firsts of everything are here, hidden in a box under my bed.

I blow the dust off of the one on top open the cover and inside find words printed on old paper from thoughts I had many years ago.  What a wonderful discovery.

Date: January early 2000's

Time mocks me - flashes on my little bedside clock. on. off. on. off.
Counting the seconds forward, never resting - on to the future.
Of a minute... a fleeting thought
An hour... a sigh, a yawn, a chapter read
A day... fellowship enjoyed, tears shed, work done
A month... money in, money out, deals made, hands shook, connections with loved ones many miles away
A  year... my babies grow older as do I

Wrinkles show up - age creeps upon me - any wisdom gained?
New friends come, old friends leave.
And time ticks on, uncaring.

My Heaven

I've just had the most terrible of terrible days ever.... and I coulda' been dog sledding with friends today which makes it even feel more terrible of a terrible day!!

So.... I have to sit and just watch my video one more time.
I must say, I really like the song by Queen, This Could be Heaven... 

Lets hope for better days........   For everyone!!!! 

Changes are a Comin'

I feel as if I've slipped myself under the radar.

Life this last month or so has been, well, different.

Many tears shed for my beautiful Molly who has moved on to a new home.

Leaving an empty space in my heart.  I so wished badly that the two girls would have learned to have gotten along.  This was not to be, and for the sanity of the humans and happiness of the furry kids this decision although one of the hardest I've had to make was also one that had to happen.

Spending the last of my savings, put towards what I feel is a good investment... my kids.

Travelling to Ontario with my baby boy helping to open doors for his future was one full of adventure and yet nothing but sitting.
Winter/Spring storms that forced us to land in a different location than planned  and drive on roads I would normally have stayed home for.
We truly felt like we lived a chapter from the movie 'Trains, Planes and automobiles" Yet instead of trains replace it with a bus..

Seeing family was also on the agenda while in Ontario seeing grandma and Nana Betty were the important stops besides College.




Dog sledding and skijouring were also a huge part of my life this last little while, and with the extended snow it helped draw out our play time longer than normal.  No complaining with that one, however I do crave warmth and sunshine.

 If it wasn't for my pups and our play time I'm not sure how I would have made it through this 'quiet' time in my life. 
They love me for who I am, always greet me with a kiss and a dog hug, glad to see me.  There to listen without judging.

There were other events in my life that I do not plan to share here, saved only for my private journal of pen and paper. Events that helped shape where I sit today.

And here I sit.
Here I wait.
For what I am not sure.
I do know that changes have to be made, and only I alone can do that.

The Monster

Lucky me.

My monster has returned.

Why?

Could be the added stress to my life this last 2 weeks... or the new meds the doctor put me on for an unrelated issue... could be the weather changing to spring.. could be I held my tongue in the wrong position when opening the door the other day.
Who knows.

So once again, after an absence of many years it has come back into my life. 

A full blown flare of my Fibromyalgia.

Lucky me.

Blowin' in the Wind

I stand in a field.

The wind blows hard around me, picking up objects that are flying around my feet, my knees, my head.
I cannot make out what they are, and I haven't the energy to grab hold of anything... none of it makes any sense.

My hair and my clothes are pulled in various directions.  I feel them fluttering, then dropping as the wind changes direction only to grab hold and start pulling again.

The sky is dark, thick grey clouds are low in the horizon.  I can only make out blurred shapes in the distance. The air is heavy making it hard to take a deep breath.

I sit down in this field.  Lift my knees to my chest and hug tight. I feel my heart... it hurts, a lump in my throat makes it hard to swallow.  Tears threaten.
The events that are beyond my control hamper my ability to see clearly.  To stay above this storm.  So instead I shall sit here.  Wait it out.