Hello Toronto!

A large tin box with almost 200 people crammed into little seats... all strangers except perhaps the one person you have chosen this torture with.
4 hours of being crammed in next to sweaty, gas prone strangers..... on this particular tour of hell we had the privilege of sharing this space with many spawns one who decided to cry.... no wait.... scream the entire 4 hours.... oh what joy!

We arrive at our destination tired and relieved to be away from that particular set of humanoids.

Toronto.... I always forget what it is like here until I arrive..... people... so many people... everywhere.
It is a people watching heaven!
I was tickled to see a scruffy looking dude in his late 40's perhaps wandering down the street talking to himself... and happier yet when his conversation turned into an all our argument with his imaginary buddy... I couldn't get a clear shot to take his picture... but I wanted too.
And I chickened out when it came to taking the hookers picture who was stationed around the corner from our hotel.

I also forgot the size and amount of office buildings in the downtown core.  You get used to little ole' Calgary and then get here and it is almost overwhelming... like a forest of metal, glass and concrete.
I'm excited to be  here and wish we had at least one more full day to explore the city center... expose the memories from the recess of my brain.  This was after all my stomping ground from a very long ago past.

One memory and experience that I could do without is the humidity.
Our bodies definitely become conditioned to where we live.... and I am having way too hard of a time getting used to the constant feeling of being sticky and wet.
The heaviness of the air making it hard to take a deep breath.... however when that deep breath is taken you are sucking in the smog that surrounds this city, and with the humidity there is tons.

Ah Toronto.... like a long lost friend.... other than a face lift and a tummy tuck to make surface improvements you are still the same girl I left behind all those years ago.
By the way.. thanks for the Blue Jays game last night... too bad they couldn't have won!

Java Joys

So this opportunity arose that I just 'couldn't' say no to..... even though my mother kept asking what was in it for me and that I 'better' get a job out of it.......... a volunteer experience at the  Prairies Regional Barista Competition.

I was given the job of score keeper.
At the time I was thinking I would just be adding up numbers that were handed to me and that would be that.... and I was just handed numbers.
However I would enter these numbers into a program on the computer and then compare my entries with a buddy who was doing the same..... we then recorded the correct totals to a score sheet......

Our position at the Championship gave us the honour of looking like we were in a huge position of authority............ and we kinda were.......... with knowledge!

We were the ONLY ones in the entire building who knew, KNEW, who was in first place or last place.. not even the judges had this information.
It was great.

But what was even better was being able to see the score sheets and read all the comments from the judges.  I felt like I could get up there and compete myself that very moment knowing what they were looking for.
I 'learned' so much.. and from the best top Baristas in our area...

My mother was wondering what was in it for me.... experience, knowledge,connections, and a sense of belonging... that was what I got out of it.
I am going to miss this community of 'coffee' very much... and my time at this Championship had me questioning my motives for selling my business (only briefly).
But I do know I want back in the coffee industry somehow..... not owning my own place, but perhaps working for one.
I would love to either work for Fratello OR a trendy coffee shop that sends it's well trained Barista's to competition and focuses on latte art and extreme coffee knowledge.
There are some incredible high end roasters in this province, Fratello, Transcend, Phil and Sebastian and Kienna coffee, and they were all present at this competition, we are lucky to have this quality available to us Albertans...... Time to go on a province trekk and hunt out the shops that were competing this weekend.

I think for me it will always be about the java... how could it not... it has been who I am for the last 6 years.

So? Are you counting down the Days?

I love being at the store... I love the customers that I see.. I love, LOVE my staff....

I am going to miss all of that.... all of that and more... even the same questions asked over and over and over... So? Are you counting down the days?  Are you excited? Are you happy? Are you looking forward to leaving?

I don't mind being asked the questions... for those who know me, know I LOVE to talk..... but I'm starting to feel rather sad.... no not sad..... a word for sad that is not sad.... is there one?
It is kind of like when my daughter moved out, and then my son when he moved into residence last fall... an empty nest kind of feeling.

I will miss the store... the customers.... the staff..... but I'm so happy that the store has an opportunity to grow with a new owner... fresh new tables.. a fresh new feeling.... I was not able to do that anymore.... too tired, ready to move on.

Yet here I sit with only 4 days left... 4 sleeps.... with a growing feeling of doubt... doubt about whether I did the right thing... doubt about whether this will really happen... doubt about.... well.... that's all.... what if this falls through at the last minute??? 
What will I do?  
Melt into a big puddle of anxiety riddled sticky gooey black liquid that is what.

4 more sleeps

Boobs

To quote a young friend of mine:
Boobs create a very good first impression of someone.

I've now for the past 1/2 hour been thinking of this.  Not that I'm obsessed or anything,  but I now have 'boobs' on my mind.
This quote is so true.  I don't care if your male or female.... boobs are front and center and one of the first things you see....and impressions are what we are all about.... especially first impressions.

Hugemongous boobs...the triple F variety always leave me with a non-human impression... I never remember the person because I spend my whole time thinking "holy shit! Where does she buy her clothes? And how does she ever go bra less? or does she tip over without a bra? etc. etc. Sadly I am not entirely focused on what she is saying.... luckily I've only met a couple women in my life with this sad infliction. But I never get a great first impression of the person... just the boobs... sorry ladies

Spilling out the front of the tank top boobs..... it doesn't matter if they are of the large or small variety... I spend most of my energy keeping my eyes focused on the face while in conversation... finding they are drawn to the mountainous spillage going on below the chin.... I appreciate a nice set of boobs.... but find it unnerving when they are trying to escape from the top of a shirt while we are having a serious conversation.
I always wonder is it because these women have no real personalities that they have to make up for it somewhere.

The off kilter or bad bra boobs.... I hate meeting someone who hasn't the time or bother to make sure their boobs are not behaving symmetrical... like the spilling out the top my eyes are drawn to the one up or one down... thinking to myself.."do you not feel the one boob hanging down to your knees??"
I bet your house is messy, your life is a mess... and you just don't care.

Large man boobs.... yeah... get a bra.  These tend to only be on very very large men.... men whose breathing is hampered by the fat that hangs in the back of their throats.... usually my first impression is only.. .man your fat.
I am too... so I always feel bad for thinking like that.... okay.. I'm not hugely morbidly obese or anything...but still my first impression shouldn't be about weight....my bad.

Itty bitty titty club boobs....and I'm talking non-existent with only the nipple.... I've actually only met one person with this in my life.... and seriously it was only a nipple.... nothing else..... and I felt sorry for this person... i don't even remember if she was pretty... or what her personality was like.... 'cause I was focused on how un-feminine one would feel without any boob... being born without any boob....just a nipple. I wonder if these women feel like they are missing out on something.

However... I dream of owning small boobs.... the grass is always greener syndrome,
It would feel wonderful to never have to wear a bra.... or not worry about a shirt being too tight.. buttons straining.

So... yeah as you can see my morning has been filled with thoughts of boob..... do you think this has to do with not being breast fed as a baby?

Home

I wasn't born in this province, but have lived here for over 22 years.... it is my home.

I do miss trees, and water, and heat.... but those I can travel to find, in fact we only live just over an hour from the majestic Rocky Mountains.

I would miss the prairies.... I can actually hear the groans from my kids... both of whom have moved away or are dreaming of moving away from here.   All I can say is 'one day they will come home to visit with some wonderful memories'

There is nothing like the open plains... wind blowing through the tall grasses and my favorite, the canola.

No sounds but the bristling of the plants as the stalks caress each other in the breeze.... the flies and bees flying by on missions only known to the insect world.

I love being able to see far ahead, the mountains silhouetted in the distance.  It makes me feel free, alive... the world laid out at my feet.  With adventures all around.
And it is all beautiful.

I love my home on the prairies.

Depressed? Unpressed?

I've been absent yes.
Was not sure how to write anymore... IF I should write and what exactly to write about.

Depression... yeah..... I deal with it, I think it is the new fab these days, it seems that everyone is on some form of medication for it.... however I don't like chemicals that are not natural so I tend to stay away from meds.
Instead I deal with things.... and depression is one of those 'things'

I believe that stress helped pull me down into my dark hole....
Whatever it was, there I went.......   
I was swallowed hole by a monster with no face, no name, no mercy.... sucking me down into the deep dark well of mucky dirt.... my senses are lost or limited... I don't hear clearly, or see properly... I don't even feel the hands of those who are trying to pull me out.
It has to me alone who swims and fights to the surface until I can see clearly again.... and what brings me up is unknown... I just wake up one day and I see the light above drawing me out into the fresh air again.

I can only imagine what it must be like to live with someone like me... not easy and I apologize for that.  I also am grateful for those that stand by and wait for me to re-surface.
I'm also extremely honored to be surrounded by some new friends and old re-newed friends who have made  coming out into the open bearable. 

So that's it then.... I can return to my life... begin blogging and journaling once again.. I've missed my daily writing... it's been a long time....
Someone asked me why I don't write when I'm depressed... wouldn't it help?  Well for me I find that a pen in hand releases poison and only negative thoughts come out.. something that is not needed to be seen when I'm already sinking toward the bottom.

And there is so much going on in my life these days... so many new adventures await.... I'm glad to be back to my pen and my keyboard.... I hope you will join me on this new journey.

Where is Nanny 911 when you need her?!?

I ventured out of town last week... and decided to treat myself to lunch.

I was feeling rather melancholic, thinking of my baby girl so far away, needing a quiet break all by myself in a little restaurant... I like to do this from time to time... sit alone at a table, order my food and journal what I see around me... or what I'm feeling... or just rubbish... feeling all poetic and artisan.  Just missing my berets and cigarette and the sidewalk cafe of Paris.

The mood is set, and I'm feeling rather pleased with myself in a strange kind of way.   To the right of me sits a rather scruffy looking overweight couple that seem very much in love with each other.. and I say this partly from my observation of how he leaned forward to wipe the crumbs from her over sized bosom.
A young man in his 20's also sits alone behind this couple... a student on a break from his job?  Just behind him is a couple of ladies.. in their 50's perhaps.. friends? Co-workers? Sisters? Whatever, they seem close as they engage in a very intense private conversation.. no smiles, no laughing.. perhaps someone close is very sick. Maybe one of them is.
There are two other tables full of business men.  The first group are most definitely from an office somewhere near by... perhaps accountants? Maybe financial advisers.. no matter they smell like they deal with money, just not much of their own.. this place isn't meant for those who have money.
The other group of men look like they get their hands dirty for a living... perhaps mechanics.. yet they are dressed rather neatly and do not look out of place here.. maybe they are partners in an ownership of a shop of some kind.  Who knows...

No matter who or where they are from.. they are all engaged in conversations that keep the room at a hushed mumble under the piped in music that resembles a mix of soft '80's rock and country.  Or they are like me, happy in their own thoughts.

That is when IT happened. 
The front door opened and in walked a womb with 3 ... count them, 3... devils spawn.   This womb brought with her a friend to share the joy of a meal... one that she sucked out of everyone in this dining establishment by having these spawn in tow.
The youngest, baby spawn.. a female of perhaps 2 in human years came with a male middle spawn maybe 3 in age followed by another elder spawn male perhaps in the 5th year of his time here on our planet.
These spawn made their announcement to all of us that they were here by rushing through the door with an audible whooshing noise followed by loud exclamations of having to pee and wanting a pop... then racing into the seating area running up to tables and saying hi to various people..

All the while womb is oblivious to the ripple of disruption that flew in with her spawn, in fact she chose to ignore them all through the ordering of food process.
Her friend finally sat the 2 youngest down on a bench seat and told them to wait there for them, leaving the youngest to stand and begin running back and forth on the bench seat, disrupting the serious conversation of the two women friends.... at which point womb looked over... and smiled!!  "Awwe" she was probably thinking, "how cute she is, everyone must think the same thing".
It was when baby spawn got off the bench and started to race around the store yelling that womb finally came over, put the spawn back on the seat and gave it a sugar laden drink that no one in their right mind should ever drink.

The food is finally brought to the table and womb sits down to have baby spawn take off running again... she then grabs 'it' by the arm and hollers to the friend to bring a high chair... which as soon as it is visible sets baby spawn off on a series of loud whines that echo around the room..  escalating to a screech as womb picks baby spawn up and attempts to put the squirming kicking beast into said chair.
The womb then smacks the hand of baby spawn turning the screech into a full out howl.
I then sit dumb struck when she then keeps turning toward the littlest one and starts shushing her angrily.

Gah!!!  This womb is one that should have laid barren for all eternity.
Who let this one give birth to a child that was so innocent and perfect to be molded into a beast such as this by no fault of it's own?

My most enjoyable meal was not to end yet without more interesting events.  While the mouths were full and unable to produce annoying noises patrons slowly trickled out of the room, leaving only myself and one other table full of people.
I almost forgot they were there, or that they were loud to begin with, just a bad memory and was just settling back into my own deep thoughts when baby spawn stood up in her high chair.  Womb completely ignored the fact that her child is not made of super strength rubber that will bounce when it falls and hits concrete floor and did not pay any attention for at least 5 minutes of squirming and jumping.  I had just come to the conclusion that this child really was the spawn of the devil when the womb placed the child of Satan on the floor.
And that is when I knew that the devil had indeed picked a womb of the perfect female body to produce his offspring in a rightly devilish manner.
Womb completely ignored all 3 of the Spawns as they ran around the room at high speed producing machine gun sounds to a game of what could be best described as an Alien 3 video game.
It wasn't until the eldest stood on a table that womb announcing "this is not a playground" told her spawn to sit down and finish their meals. At which point the game escalated into a full out Alien vs Predator game.
Womb then yelled to stop running in the middle of the gossip session she was having with the friend only to not notice that the running did not stop.
I counted to 50, at this point completely dumb struck that this kind of child parent interaction really did exist.. I thought for sure that the Nanny 911 show was a bunch of bull crap and that situations like these never happened and they were all staged for TV... I'm here to tell you they really do... and that the womb or parent if you can call her that was completely oblivious to what she was raising.  Anyhow.. after my count of 50 she yelled once more to stop running at which point eldest said "lets go home"

and they did!  At least she did one thing right.